Every year at this time, I get a little frustrated that Greeting Card Corporations aren't able to cash in on this important holiday. Candy Corporations will rake in the cash, and so will Horror Movie Corporations, but Greeting Card Corporations will endure a terrifying stagnation of profits until November or December.
I sent out scary and morbid greeting cards to all my friends and family again this year, filled with pictures of death and blood. They appreciate the thought, and know that I'm incapable of sensitivity or good tidings of great joy. My immediate family is usually quite satisfied that I still know their mailing address and am not in prison.
To celebrate Friday the 13th and Halloween, I like to go downtown and create bad situations for as many people as I can. They can then go home and tell their loved ones what an unlucky day they had, thus perpetuating the myth that Friday the Thirteenth is unlucky. Car bombs are often an effective method of convincing people they just have rotten luck today.
Often it's very difficult to simulate pools of blood. Ketchup is of course a commonly used red substance, but it lacks originality, and is too thick. I prefer to use real blood. I stock up on real blood in my freezer for this annual festival of fear. The hardest part about acquiring real blood is that most people are reluctant to part with theirs. It often helps to drug them using illegal narcotics and baseball bats. On Halloween or Friday the Thirteenth, there's nothing like skinny-dipping in a pool of blood at midnight to scare the solid excrement out my neighbors and their children. It gets a little chilly though, but I layer up with human skin peeled away from victims of unfortunate accidents.
It's the best time of the year
Fill all you know with tons of fear
and cause little kids to tear
Scream, Scream, the laser beam
will slice you deep in half
Don't forget to salt the feet
of everyone you eat