Christopher Columbus, Discoverer of the Ohio State Capitol
Andy Alkaline
©Mental Dimensions Humor Ezine
10/01/2005
As another holiday looms closer, I would like to share my feelings about Christoper Columbus. I feel that the true meaning of Columbus Day has been lost, similar to the true meaning of Christmas -- the latter being shopping, stress, and getting as plastered as humanly possible because one has six days to kill before a New Year's Eve Party. I would like to rekindle in my visitors the sense of history and science associated with this great man. As historical facts sometimes cause me drowsiness, I will attempt to distort things as I desire, while not caring if my data is still corrupt from LSD use as a teenager.
First of all, we must ask ourselves, why are the numbers listed on calendars in square boxes? The Earth is round, the moon is round, the sun is round. Dispute this if you wish, but keep in mind that ovals and uneven pockmarked surfaces do not interest me, nor do gas giants or paying taxes. "Andy Alkaline, what's wrong with square boxes?" an educated person might inquire of me. I answer that person, "There's nothing wrong with square boxes. I have no animosity towards square boxes, nor do I desire to chop them up and eat them, as some other mentally ill person might." Again, I beg of you to remember that my facts are distorted. I am using "mentally ill" as a blanket statement, in a similar manner as the media when they report on crimes committed by "a suspect who is believed to be mentally ill." Being a professional journalist is important to me, so I'm going to use much of what I've learned from the media about generalizing when I talk about mentally ill people and square boxes. Sometimes I would rather sit and eat potato chips instead of paying my phone bill or using the bathroom, but I don't have fantasies about finding the man who posed on the Pringles container and eating him (primarily because that would take much more energy than simply using my mouth to kill a can of Pringles and taking a nap afterwards). I have neither the time nor do I have consonants capable of differentiating between the multitude of various types of mental illnesses. All I care about right now is getting rid of the square boxes and restoring order to the universe by re-inventing calendars.
By now, it should be very obvious to anyone still reading this -- and who possesses the special ability to add and subtract -- the main point I'm trying to elaborate upon. Why do we tell time using round, pretty things, but we contrarily represent time passing by utilizing a square box? I don't even care that watches and clocks happen to be round; I'm not attempting to give good information in this article, but only my opinion. If you believe that watches and clocks are relevant to time than I'd strongly recommend furthering your education by learning to become an astronaut. This will allow you a very close view of the round things which provided humans -- including myself -- with the square boxes that I now clearly abhor. If you're a smart-ass that is going to contact me for the purpose of passing along that technology has advanced (and then start babbling about digital watches and clocks that are square), I will find you and throw an empty can of Pringles at you while you are eating Doritos. I will then steal your Doritos and run away to find a place where I can peacefully nap for the afternoon or week.
As I'm looking around at my digital watch, I think it's now necessary to conclude this math equation. Columbus was a great physicist who discovered geometry while exploring the ground for apples around Isaac Newton because he was hungry for figs. Being an expert at Geometry, Christopher Columbus realized while looking at the bruised apple next to Mr. Newton that only a round Earth could produce a round apple. He expressed his revolutionary idea to Isaac, who wanted it for himself. A discussion ensued which caused Isaac to senselessly batter Christopher into unconsciousness.
As Mr. Newton ate some oranges to celebrate his victory, he noticed that Chris had landed rather forcefully. It soon occurred to the esteemed Mr. Newton that his name should be Bill, and that Gravity needed to be signed into law so ships wouldn't fall off the edge of the Earth when discovering Geometry. Bill managed to obtain a permit to g-force Gravity to be signed into law; he had good political standings with King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain, who were very powerful and influential monarch butterflies at the time. Because their wings couldn't support a trip to the West Indies to expand their real estate, they inquired of their political friend, Bill, if he knew anyone who would be interested in using his Gravity to get some more land, preferably land which already contained gravity. Mr. Newton told them of a gentleman named Christopher Columbus, "an Italian mentally ill man who was crazy and believed apples, meatballs and pizza should be round instead of square," might be crazy enough to think that the Earth was round also. This gave them a chuckle, but real estate prices were at an all-time high since there was 50% less Earth than there is today, so the two reasoned they didn't have anything to lose except their three daughters, Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria (no relation to Santa Claus).
Christopher was found unconscious and bleeding, but was assigned a medical crew who joined him to ride and rock violently upon Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria -- all three young women happened to be extremely wet because there was a lot of water in the ocean (as a matter of fact, or whatever, there still is a lot of water in that same ocean). All of the riding and rocking caused a significant amount of thirst and dehydration; it was easily supplemented because there was a plethora of salt and water nearby, and fish to eat. After the long, hard ride, they climbed off from atop Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria but found they had been ridden to a New World, which was the same as the Old World. Sincerely, one can imagine how much this rocked their world.
They quickly realized the World was round and that Christopher was not mentally ill, but only needed some fresh ocean air and a relaxing, pleasant 3 month ride to clear his head. After the ride home to the Old World, to Chris's dismay, square maps had been made. He went to yell at the monarchs, vehemently protesting that the world is round, therefore, maps should be round as well. The King butterfly reminded Chris of his mere caterpillar status, and had best mind his mouth when speaking to a powerful butterfly. After the heated exchange of ideas about geometry, the King said, "Square maps are easier to fold, and you'll need to be able to store things easily in the compartments of things in which you ride atop, along side, or underneath." Christopher felt that round things fit better into the compartments, and firmly believed he had the upper hand due to his experience of riding Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria for such a very long time; Christopher Columbus was very adamant that he was an authority on this particular subject.
Poor Christopher Columbus (with so many rounded letters in his name), realized as a caterpillar that the King's mind could not be changed nor manipulated by flaunting the body odor he'd accumulated after riding for so long; he decided to concede to the King's great point. His wife agreed fully, and felt very strongly about the King's great point; she was quite satisfied by the King's great point, not really interested in other points at this time -- other points did not suit her taste, nor fit in very well at this time. Being a just and wise queen, Isabella realized there could be a time when someone had a point greater than that of King Ferdinand's, but remained loyal in the end.
Unfortunately there was one last surprise that disappointed Chris; the King had used his power to place square spy satellites to watch over his 3 daughters while Chris and his medical crew were out riding them. He learned from the square satellites that the Earth was round; even with this new information, all of the King's horses, and all of the King's men had still invented calendars with square boxes again.
Christopher was extremely agitated by this newly discovered piece of evidence (as my readers might be by the fact the last 5 words could potentially constitute a cliche'), and decided to hire the famous boxer, Isaac Newton, to tear off the wings of the King and Queen. Christopher Columbus rewrote history in the hopes of creating round things, and promoting awareness of round things, but was thwarted by the same cartographers who had invented oceans, continents, volcanos, and price stickers to place upon the maps. Christopher eventually gave up his dream of having round days on the calendar because he was so tired from riding most of his life, and joined the other cartographers. Chris reluctantly conformed to acceptable societal standards of geometry. Sadly, his gloriously round life came to a tragic end when he was executed for heresy; Poor Chris was caught secretly conspiring with pizza-makers to put a circle around October 12th when sending out mass-mailings to promote a pizza sale.
The sale did fail
Lost was that mail
Newton refused to drop bail
And Chris lost his tail
Books were written
Circles weren't fittin'
Calendars were made
True history does fade
Three Daughters give birth
Had sons of the man who completed the Earth
In the twelfth day a square remains
Placing but one circle there seems to cause great pains
Squares may be easy to fold
Sadly, this tale of Columbus will never be told
If read it may crinkle one's nose as does mold
If so, never forget that Columbus was so bold
As to talk about circles and round maps
never forgetting his rides or their laps
History always but a shadow within a mist
If a mere circle surrounded a 12, Columbus would not have been dissed
On the thirteenth came a second man
Who was named Americus Vespucci, and he required a tan
He bathed on a coast, covered by sands
and noticed a minor detail, a flaw in Christopher's discovered lands
It may have started out flat
But the world came to be increasingly fat
It was still round and that's not bad
But poor Christopher grew even more mad
by Sylvya Stone
"Poet, Freelancer, Sojourner"
10/03/2005
Reading your Columbus story was pure enjoyment.
It made me go in circles.
It flipped flopped me up and down.
It has rhythm and flow.
It was light and humorous in parts.
The plot became swift.
And was a hit.
I am not sure about all of the scientific theory,
but not to worry.
You were only poking fun
of history and mirth
of the girth
of circles
versus squares
an ancient debate
of a long lost fate.
Your poem was filled with zest
and rhymed very well.
Keep up the writing
Or the mind will swell
with confusion and subtrifusion
As poor Christopher's conclusion.