Life Insurance Policies for Chia Pets, No Christmas Cheer
Andy Alkaline
©Mental Dimensions Humor Ezine
.:Holiday Humor:.
11/29/2005
With Christmas swiftly approaching -- as dark clouds often do -- my thoughts have turned toward the gift that keeps on growing. I'm of course referencing the infamous Chia Pet, a ceramic creation released in the eighties due to the popularity and notoriety received by the Afro in the seventies. I know my readers are probably now asking, "Is nothing sacred to this man?" Do not fear, I will not desecrate any Chia Pet. As a matter of fact, I own 27 of them. I have raised them from Chia-Pups, and have even taken out large life insurance policies on all of them. If any mysteriously crack, split, or accidentally get smoked, they'll be replaced by money, and a proper ceremony will follow. Sure there will be feelings of loss, but I'm confident I'll be able to deal with my emotions in a calm and rational manner.
Yes, I did write calm and rational. Being a writer (even one that doesn't get published), I have to educate myself in the use of the English language, and those are those two words I recently learned. Had I learned about them early in life, things would have turned out much differently for me, and my anger management counselor would still be alive. Needless to say, I'm quite fond of my dictionary salesperson, who sometimes suggests new words and concepts, but doesn't force any upon me. Anger management is silly anyway; if ever I have an issue beyond my control, I pop a can of spinach out of my armpit, blow steam from my ears, and proceed to deal with whatever might be rattling me at that particular moment. If I happen to be out of spinach, I use Chia Pet herbs. While not as effective as spinach, when dried properly, they can be burned to create a Chia-Smokescreen which enables me to discreetly exit from a tense sitation.
Killing anger management counselors might seem like a fine gift, or something to do for the pure enjoyment regardless of the season, but giving a loved one a Chia Pet is much more practical. I haven't yet signed up to be an affiliate for the Chia Pet Corporation; I have, however, agreed to be their spokesperson and emergency management officer in the event of any Chia Pet terrorist activity. While I foresee no imminent Chia-Threats, I maintain my constant state of battle-readiness. If the Chia Pets of the world ever become exposed to animation technology which awakens them from their slumber and sends them on an evil rampage, I will be there to protect the denizens of the Earth and any alien worlds the Chia Pets might seek to invade and occupy. Sleep easy, my friends.
I don't really believe it's possible to have too many Chia Pets. If you are a crazy person though, and have almost no room left in your house because you've stocked up on Chia Pets, I'm prepared to offer a solution. My solution may seem like a fire-hazard, but that's all right because I'm not a fire inspector, nor a fireman, and only have a formal education in playing with matches and killing anger management counselors. The best thing to keep in mind is that you don't want to waste any Chia Pets, regardless of any surplus you've accumulated. The solution is this: secure them together into the shape of a pyramid. You can use any adhesive material, keeping in mind that some fumes are more toxic and deadly than others. Some of the factors to consider when calculating the varying toxicity level include (but are not limited to) the following: How many enemies do you have coming over for the holidays, the square footage of your home, and if you desire their deaths or merely want them unconscious until Christmas is over.
After your pyramid is created, just as God created little green apples and made the stars to twinkle, you will have your very own Chia-Christmas tree. I employed this method last Christmas, and then tried to cash in on the life insurance policies after Christmas was over. The insurance companies didn't seem to understand the deaths of my beloved Chia Pets, since my Chia-Companions had never been alive. I became a little philosophical (which is good because my thoughts normally have the consistency of pudding), and began questioning their existence.
I think about my Chia Pets, therefore I exist.
Gravity affects my Chia Pets, therefore they exist.
Chia Pets grow, therefore they're alive.
I explained my situation to the heartless Insurance Corporation, but my cries of pity went unheard, probably ignored completely. Shortly after Christmas, after I filed my claim, I was charged with insurance fraud and given the gift of a summons to appear in court. It was nice at first -- even though they were late giving me a present -- because it was the first gift I'd received that Christmas. Sadly, the judge would not accept Chia Pets for a bribe, and I was sent away for a short duration of my life. I wrote some humor and thought about what I'd done. I realize now that attempting to collect life insurance on Chia Pets is wrong, and that I'm having trouble with a proper ending to this article. Perhaps I don't need an ending; this article is already far too long. The length would be acceptable if there was an ample amount of humor, but my word processor will only count the characters in my documents, and not the jokes or funny quips.