The No Reply Blues
Andy Alkaline
©Mental Dimensions Humor Ezine
10/20/2005
Today's age of the Internet and email has brought both enlightenment and increased awareness of pornography to our society. It also presents dilemmas which our ancestors never experienced. If you are an avid user of email and message boards, then you might be a person who has faced the problems associated with sending messages and posting, and never having received a reply. I'd like to take the opportunity to offer consolation to any of those people who may feel neglected.
If you've posted any messages or sent emails to your family and friends, but no one has replied, it's important to not get discouraged. It could be that you were boring. If you are feeling neglected and abandoned, it's probably because you're unloved. It could be that people are too busy to talk to you because they ran out of staples and had to go to the store in a hurry. It could be that your message simply got lost in the shuffle. It could be that no one is interested in what you have to say. It could be that you didn't phrase your question in the form of a question.
At any rate, forget all about your miserably failed attempt at human contact, and only if it happens more than 17 times is the point you should begin to take it personally. Forget about the pointless messages which are forever lost and will, in all likelihood, be forgotten about or never even read; I encourage you to write again. On subsequent attempts, try to embellish -- blatantly lie if necessary; if you're sufficiently creative and original, this will enhance your messages and make them more pleasing to the reader. This is your opportunity to proudly exhibit the skills you learned in school as a child -- I'm speaking of the days where you managed to attend class and were not stoned on weed, or on other mind-altering chemicals. Remember a happier time, when absorbing knowledge was more important than absorbing caffeine.
If you email me, feel free to do so without anxiety; I don't mind if messages take up space and do nothing. If you happen to email me to commend or criticize my work here, I will most likely reply to you. If I really hate you or you annoy me, or scare me because I'm afraid that you might be even more mentally ill than I -- those are some instances where you will not hear back from me.
If you're just suffering from the No Reply Blues, remember that one day you're going to die, and that -- statistically speaking -- you'll very likely die from any one of the many diseases that are now freely available without tax to the public. And once you die, replies won't matter because the lights will be out and nobody will ever be back home to turn them on again. Let your electric company be neurotic and speculate on why they haven't heard from you. Let their feelings be hurt that you haven't replied to their bills in over ten years. They obviously are quite a bit smothering and clingy to keep sending you bills for that length of time without even a reply nor a tax from you.
Veela10 notes, "Isn't it wonderful that there are no taxes on diseases!! Yet at the same time--it does cost money to vaccinate children against diseases."
Andy replies, "Keep in mind that it doesn't cost money to manufacture diseases! Unless they're engineered of course, but that would just be a paranoid fantasy! And don't you be such a pessimist!"