The English Language and Foreigners In America
By Andy Alt / Political Dimensions

August 10, 2008 - Many facets are involved with politics, and it’s often difficult to have all the facts at your fingertips due to lack of brain activity or the amount of misinformation available tax-free to the public. Once I form an opinion on an issue, often somebody who is more intelligent than I comes along (usually his or her name is a foreign-sounding one, such as “Harvey,” or “Renata”) and presents a viewpoint or fact I hadn’t considered. I’m older and more wrinkled now, so I frequently choose to wait longer before I create an opinion or logical thought.

Making my controversial views known is something I prefer to avoid. Life is stressful and my perspiration level increases when arguing politics or religion. Still, sometimes it’s both important and necessary to express one’s feelings, especially if they are strong or will cause vandalism or assault charges to be brought against oneself. That being said, today I feel the need to express my views on the English language and foreigners in America.

I strongly feel that a primary national language should exist in the world to ensure unity and communication among the citizens of the United States.

A broadcast by the BBC last week caused those feelings to float into my conscious mind and English heart. At first, I didn’t notice they were talking in British, but I could detect a foreign presence in the room with me after listening more intently. I’ve been a Beatles fan for many years, watched several documentaries about their career, and been exposed to British culture and language through PBS and world maps. It surprised me very little that the foreigners I heard on the BBC sounded like English to my American ears.

I hereby propose — in English — that the English-American Federal Government exert more power and control; they should enact a law dictating a primary national language. The language chosen should definitely be the one with which I’m most familiar: English. I’m too old and dusty to learn another language. This is America. Everyone I know speaks English, except for some Mexicans, but they’re usually not in my home talking and invading my English-speaking ears. If an occasion arises, however, when I’ve invited them into my living room, I’ll be able to both hear and see them. From that vantage point, I can easily deduce if they’re declaring war; if they’re smiling and not holding a weapon, I know I’m safe, and perhaps about to be given a free tube of toothpaste.

Another issue regarding language bothers me. When I go onto the Internet, I don’t like to see foreign words on my Chinese-made American-store bought computer monitor. In my English mind, if you are talking about the color red, then it’s a color, but colouring my computer monitor with foreign words will make me see red. Humor is funny, but humour violates my English rights and liberties. My favorite food is yogurt, but I have no favourite foreign food (except for lasagna or lasagne).

I’ve already indicated I don’t desire to manufacture more stress by making controversial statements, but I know a lot of people will agree with me, especially if they lack morals or effective reasoning skills. I know one person who would defend me — if he were still alive: George Washington. He spoke British but that doesn’t bother me since he was a Britain at the time, and a citizen of a British colony. And although by today’s standards the Declaration of Independence is a foreign document printed on British paper, I find it acceptable because American words and thoughts hadn’t yet been invented.

Some might think I should be locked away, or that I’m being a hyprocrite when I express my view that George Washington and his foreign friends speaking and writing in a different language doesn’t bother me. To clarify, my reasoning suggests that they earned the right to speak differently from me because it was those British-Americans who were eventually responsible for creating America. Although they hadn’t yet outlawed u’s and outrageous dialects, they proved their patriotism when they helped George Washington realize his boyhood dream: to become the first resident of an unnamed country. Amidst the war, bloody battles, extreme living conditions, loss of life and limb, families destroyed, famine and pestilence, the name of America was quickly agreed upon in the spirit of bipartisanship and peaceful relations among co-workers, with no threat of sexual harassment or being exposed as an Internet pedophile.

We must remember to honor, not honour, the ideals and people who created our border. No English-speaking Americans should ever forget founding-foreigners like George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and John Hancock (I don’t know any Hancocks so that’s likely to be a foreign name). Those British-Americans, along with many other people who made up the Continental Congress, all had an English-looking vision of rights, liberties, the pursuit of happiness and tax-free tea, and an end to carbonated beverage emissions and slavery by the year 1865 (The Emancipation Proclamation appears English, but “Abraham” sounds suspiciously Israeli to me).

I’m fully aware of America’s deficit and its financially-challenged Treasury Department. Following this wrecked train of thought, I’ve taken the liberty of formulating a fiscal policy that will completely offset the extra cost of the increased hours and Congressional sweat required to legislate a national language policy. We need to immediately begin taxing free speech. Free speech is an abomination to a capitalistic society and to the free market economy fueling this country and the vehicles of elected officials. In addition to balancing any current money-laundering problems, it will save people time from wasted conversations with motor-mouths and help prevent them from saying or writing stupid things.

Rewriting the United States Constitution and Declaration of Independence to abolish free speech will be time-consuming work. The biggest task is to adjust my spell-checker; it’s presently underlining all the British words in this document, indicating to me I’ve either spelled them incorrectly or it’s stupid to spell them the way I have. Despite the obstacle of my spell-checker, I will generously donate my time to accomplish the task of performing a revision of our country’s domestic and foreign policy. With my computer, I’ll be able to finish in less time than it took George Washington to chop down his father’s cherry tree and - as all good politicians do - wait until he was caught to apologize and admit to his crime. The only assistance I’ll require must come from 55 English volunteers who are willing to commit forgery.

With hindsight we can forgive the errors in our two beloved .BTF (British Text Format) documents. George Washington was obviously adept at political maneuvering from an early age, but he was unable to escape from accountability. His punishment, to write 100 times, “It is not humourous to chop down my father’s favourite tree” clearly traumatised him, and stayed with him for the rest of his life. As usual, we must blame the parents. The punishment Augustine Washington imposed upon George prevented him from being more selective regarding u’s when helping to edit the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.

My rewrite of these two documents will eliminate all superfluous u’s, and change all the misguided s’s and c’s, thereby forcing history to be more readable by all patriotic English-speaking Americans. It will be printed on recycled paper using a printer built with mercury and using high amounts of energy. Feathers will only be used to remove dust from my keyboard and other carbon-emitting devices. The computer desk I’ll use will be made in China, constructed of cherry wood in order to memorialize our heroic foreign General.

In closing, I’ll add a few words on the related subject of immigration, another topic with which I struggle. I understand why it’s controversial. I realize there are many disadvantages and advantages to allowing foreigners into our American country and onto our English-smelling soil. I don’t know much about the economy, foreign policy, defence, people, or how to please a woman, but despite my lack of knowledge I’ll do my best to give you an unsolicited opinion on this touchy subject.

With the heated debates today over immigration, it’s ironic to me that during the British-American period I mentioned earlier, foreigners were actually brought over to our American continent against their will for the purpose of enslavement. In my best judgment, which is always questionable, we should not outlaw Spanish-speaking Mexicans and ban them from the English-speaking world, nor do I believe we should bring them here against their will (especially while gasoline averages $4.00 per American gallon, but I wouldn’t change my mind even if gas was 10 cents per foreign liter). I think we should politely invite our Southern-American neighbors using imported English-written greeting cards. If they’re able to read them and reply, they should be encouraged to cross our invisible border, and greeted warmly when they arrive. Neighbours, on the other hand, should be cast aside until they learn to read and speak English, regardless of whether or not they’re Presidents or produce workers.

Finally, I’d like to say to all my readers, “Thank you very much, indeed, for reading this.” I won’t though, because inserting the word indeed is unwanted, redundant, unneeded, redundant, a waste of time and precious English letters, unnecessary, and not required. I simply have less patience now that I’m older and more cracked, like the Liberty Bell.

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