Table of Contents:

1.1 Legal Notice and Agreement
1.2 Updates
********
2.1 Introduction
2.2 Controls
2.3 Characters
2.4 Items
2.5 Enemies
2.6 Helpful Beginner Tips
********
3.1 Awakening
********
4.1 FAQ
4.2 Glitches
4.3 Weird stuff
********
5.1 Recommended Games
5.2 Link's Awakening review
5.3 Copywrite Notice

(1.1) Legal Notice and Agreement

The FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) is freeware.  It is not produced, nor
endorsed by Nintendo of America.  Zelda is a registered trademark of Nintendo
2000 @

By reading this FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions), you hereby agree that
you, the party, no longer have the right to critisize the work of the author,
whether or not the party agrees with the language or ideas expressed within.
The work may not be used without permission, and was made by Ultima9999 (alias).
It must be distributed with the original contents and author's name, or legal
action may be taken.  This FAQ may not be used in ANY WAY as a tool for
monetary gain.  Violators may be prosecuted in a court of law.


(1.2) Updates

7/11/00 Added a final copywrite notice at the bottom of the document, and a
list of sites which

7/7/00 The weapons section has been added to, and it now contains a full list
of weapons, their function, and description.

7/4/00 FAQ is completed as far as walkthroughs are concerned...

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


(2.1) Introduction

Heya!  This is the Ultimate Guide to Zelda: Link's Awakening!  Why?  Because
it was made by a guy who has Ultima in his name...what else did you think?
It'll help you to get through the easiest and toughest parts of the game,
including all the little parts inbetween.  It's designed to be so clear it
smacks you in the face, so don't try to overthink the contents in this guide.

However, don't rely on it to get throught the whole game.  Part of why this
game is so fun is that you can really explore.  By using this guide from
start to finish, you'll lose this aspect that has made the series shine in
success (and in NoA's pockets!)  Anyways, I think we should get going.

*WARNING*

This guide will poke humor at Link's Awakening: DX.  The type of humour may
be considered to be in bad taste at times.  Have fun...or don't.  BTW, this
was written in edit.com...from DOS!  It looks best under that.  A
windows-based txt reader may display some of the characters a a solid black
box.  However, the content should not be affected.


(2.2) Controls

Controling Link is very easy.  Basically, it blows down to this:

In-Game: Directional Pad - Move Link in eight directions
         B Button - Use assigned item
         A Button - Use assigned item
         Start - Open up Status Screen
         Select - Bring up Overworld Map

SubScreen: Directional Pad - Moves the cursor
           B Button - Assign item to button in game
           A Button - Assign item to button in game
           Start - Exits SubScreen
           Select - Brings up a submenu that contains how many heart pieces
                    you've collected, how many photos you've acquired, and
                    Link's current tunic

Map: Directional Pad - Moves map screen indicatior
     B Button - Exits to in game
     A Button - Brings up description of map tile
     Start - No Effect
     Select - Exits to in game

Diologue: Directional Pad - Changes answer, if applicable
          B Button - No Effect
          A Button - Chooses answer, advances diologue window
          Start - No Effect
          Select - No Effect


*Note that at any time, pressing Select, Start, B, and the A button will
bring up a menu that will ask you to:
        Return to Game
        Save & Quit
If you choose to return to game, you will go back to where you last left off.
However, if you choose to save and quit, you will return to the title screen.
You will reappear at the last door you entered, or at the beginning of the
dungeon you were in.

(2.3) Characters

Link:  He is the main character of the game, and you control him throughout
the entire quest.  Link really likes Marin, but can't make out with her
because of Nintendo's strict censorship rules.  The elf can use a number of
weapons, but is most skilled with a sword, combined with a shield.  Link
has a problem with fire...

Marin:  Link's pimp!  She looks alot like Princess Zelda (also Link's pimp).
She can't utulize any weapons, but she has a great voice.  Link dreams about
Zelda singing to him to go to sleep.  She has perfect Game Boy Pitch, meaning
that instruments like an Ocarina can be played to her.

Tarin:  Marin's uncle.  He lives with Tarin, but occasionally he takes a
short leave from Koholint Island to go to Arkansas (you'd have to be American
to get this joke).  He sometimes crossdresses in the forest as other animals.
Loves mushrooms.

Owl:  Feathered ally to Link.  Really serves as a pointer to do what's next.
Annoying as hell, though, as it plays this hoot noise every time he speaks.
Not as cryptic as the owl in Zelda 5...

Madam Meow-Meow:  She raises Bow-Wow's.  Despite being the ugliest person on
Koholint Island, Link is happy to receive a kiss from her.  Her Bow-Wow's
look very much like the Chomp-Chomp in the Super Mario Bros. series.

Crazy Tracy:  Caters to everyone's special needs on the island.  Lately, her
"business" has been in a slump, and the rat-infested hellhole she lives in now
is right up there with the cardboard box.  Since she retired from the whore
business, she sells her own little potions which restore vigor...in more ways
that one.

Wind Fish:  Gay looking fish that wears more gold chains than Mr. T.  I don't
know what the game designers were on when they made this piece of crap.  He's
about as stupid as purple dinosaurs, and you have to save this fruit.  As in
the words of Cartman, "I do believe this sucks ass."

...so I'm not done yet.  BLOW ME!

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

(2.4) Weapons and Items

Sword - It's Link's basic weapon, and is going to be your best friend
throughout the entire game.  The attack is a ninety-degree slash that will
slice up those enemies into little pieces of kibbles 'n bits.  You recieve
this weapon during the first scenario where you are on a quest to find your
sword.

Shield - Every mofo needs protection, right?  It's made out of...I dunno!
Link gets his very own shield at the beginning of the game, and, even at
level 1, it grants protection against all kinds of not-so-nice attacks.  Aside
from your sword, this is your happy item.

Mirror Shield - This is your average swat shield, more or less.  It defends
against nearly ALL attacks, and also has a wider radius of defense, meaning
that no little soldier is getting past this protection.  This is the level 2
shield of the game, and is found in the seventh dungeon, which is very very
late...

Magic Powder - Before they had acid, opium, cocaine, and crack...they had this
stuff.  This item has a numerical usage, meaning that every time you use it,
it goes down, until it reaches zero...where it stays...until you buy some
more....  It can do some crazy stuff to some enemies, but for most, it will
just light them on fire.  Talk about a burnout!

Bombs - Your average Hyrulian explosive!  Since everyone is a pyro these days,
get one of these.  You'll have mucho fun as their fuse burns and BOOM!  While
they are a strong weapon, their main usage is to clear out rubble in dungeons.
Of course, you could always pretend that you were taking down the dungeon when
you placed that bomb, but...no.

Roc's Feather - This item lets you jump!  Yes, Link can finally jump...see,
this proves white men really CAN jump.  This item will help you get over some
of the pits in Koholint...and also jump over enemies.  You can find this baby
in the first dungeon, and it will prove to be invaluable throughout the game.
Rock on!

Power Bracelet - Since Link is a total wuss, he needs to wear a bracelet to
pick up things like rocks...or bushes.  The level 1 Power Bracelet is found
in the second dungeon, while the level 2 Power Bracelet is found in the sixth.
Interestingly, the level 2 power bracelet's extra strength is only applicable
in this dungeon...elsewhere, it functions exactly like the level 1 version.
GET PUMPED!

Shovel - It lets you...dig.  Digs through most surfaces, and...hey,  can you
dig it?  Buy it at the store for 200 rupees.

Peagasus Boots - Run like the wind!  These things let you dash fast and give
more speed and length to your jumps.  RUN, FOREST, RUN!

Hookshot - You see, before they had rubber dildos, they had this (one size
pleases all!)  This item extends and can pull you over any chasm as long as
you have a block which it can connect to.  It also can be used as a weapon,
but can only do damage to only the weakest of enemies.  This can be found in
dungeon five...if my memory serves me correctly.  See, I'm already forgetting
all the work I did.

Ocarina - Mystical musical magical item.  You use it to play songs, and those
songs do...THINGS!  You can play three songs on this ocarina, and each song
has its own function.  Marin's song is used to wake the Wind Fish, Mambo's
song teleports you to the beginning of the dungeon or Crazy Tracy's house, and
the Frog Song...brings things back to life.  Every Zelda game has to have an
ocarina in it, doesn't it?

Bow and Arrow - Ever wanted to hunt game, primitive style?  Now you can, with
the traditional style bow!  You can shoot arrows...they do damage...end of
story.  Not really a weapon you'll be using much, actually...but it is used
to solve a puzzle in one of the dungeons.  It's a quantity item, so once
you're out of ammo, it doesn't shoot.

Magic Rod - A pyro's dream.  Point this thing, and watch it burn.  This
weapon, found in the last dungeon, is argubly the strongest weapon of the
game, provided it can damage the enemy.  Remember, don't look directly at the
flame.

Lesser or Automatic Items:

Heart - When you lose all heart, get a new one!  These can be bought (ten
rupee) or found when an enemy is defeated.  Picking up one restores one heart
in your collection of heart containers.

Rupee - You need da money to pimp with me, brotha!  This is the currency of
Koholint (and every other Zelda game...except one...rubee!) and you use it to
buy items, women, and the like.  You get ALOT of rupees in this game.

Arrow - With every bow, you need an arrow (except if you're a retard...then
you can just use the bow and shoot imaginary arrows) and then...you shoot
them...it's actually quite complicated.  They go along witht he sophistacation
of rotating chairs...the shaft is a smooth, rockhard alloy that allows
penetration to even the toughest spots on the enemy.  Don't you forget that!

Zora's Flippers - We wouldn't want Link to swim without his flippers, would
we?  This item allows you to swim, and...swim...

Piece of Power - This puts you on the road to kick-assiness.  When you pick
up this item, your sword does twice the damage it usually does.  Plus, it
FLASHES!  Ooo!  It stops after you get hit a couple times, and then you are
treated to your regular, repetitive music.

Guardian Acorn - Grants defense...defense...you take half the damage you would
normally take with this thing.  If it appears as if you have taken no damage,
you've actually lost a quarter of a heart...it doesn't appear, though.  Like
the Piece of Power, it will also lose effect after a couple hits.  Oddly
enough, the shield does not flash...

Secret Seashell - Secret stuff...find all the secret stuff...and get the level
2 sword.  I knew you were DYING to get it...there are twenty-one in all, and
you can exchange them at the Secret Seashell Mansion.  Other than that, they
are actually pretty stupid and plain looking.  If getting kick ass swords
aren't your kind of thing, do yourself a favor and don't get in on the secret.

DX Only Items:

Green Tunic - Technically, this appeared in the first version, but since tunic
color was not even applicable in the first game, it wasn't really considered
an item.  However, this provides standard attack and defense, with no bonuses.
You start out with it.

Blue Tunic - Unlike its ephemeral cousin, the Guardian Acorn, this item will
always provide twice the defense.  If you like blue, this is for you.  If not,
you're probably not-so hot.  Gotta fly, with this item, you might not die!

Red Tunic - If you want to kick ass, this suit's for you.  In red, you're
gonna make the bad guys dead.  Twice the power, it's like having your own
Howlitzer.  
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

(2.5) Enemies

Octorok - Octopus..sy.  This monster spits out rocks, and does little damaage.
He can't take what he gets, and pretty much any weapon will kill him.  So,
kill the little bastard!

Moblin (normal) - This guy shoots arrows, and he's a cross between a pig and
a man.  Pigman.  Two hits from your sword will do him, and he's not very
aggressive.  The arrows are easily deflected, as well.

Mobiln (armor) - A slightly tougher version of the moblin.  These guys are
equipped with a sword and shield, and are more offensive than their normal
counterparts.  Hit them at the shield twice to do them in.

Green Slime - PUSSY.  He hides in the floor, and pops up unexpectedly when you
walk over the tiles he's hiding.  Very easy to kill, and this thing only
manages to hop around in very slow, and very agonizing rate.  Nintendo, please
make a HARD enemy, ok?

Red slime - Just like the green slime, but when hit, it turns into two smaller
slimes.  The smaller slimes actually cannot inflict damage on you, but can
slow your movement almost to a halt if they latch on to you.  Just like their
parent, it takes one hit to kill a small red slime.  Nintendo, please don't
make deviants on EASY enemies to make them harder, ok?

Stalfos (blue) - It's a jumping skeleton, joy.  Takes two hits, and is quite
easy.  Bediing killed so easily kinda takes the fun out of being undead, I
guess.  What were these guys thinking when they signed up for this job?!

Stalfos (red) - Ooooohhhhh, now the stalfos can throw badly aimed BONES at
you.

Stalfos Knight - Say with me, NORMAL MOBLIN.  Exactly the same, except it
looks different.

Chickens - Don't get me started.



(2.5) Walkthrough

*WARNING*

This FAQ is rated R for language and suggestive situations.  Please be
advised, and if you continue, you agree that you are either 18, or you have
your parents permission.


NOTE: The first part of the guide was written a long time ago, and it features
maps.  However, after about the first dungeon, there are no more maps.  YAY!

First, you can start by starting a new game file.  That always help.  Once
you get the ball rolling, you will awake in bed.  Link will be tossing and
turning, then the girl next to you will speak.

Girl: "What a relief!  I thought you'd never wake up!  You were tossing and
       turning...  What?  Zelda?  No, my name's Marin!  You must still be
       feeling a little woozy.  You are on Koholint Island!"

The game now gives you control of Link.  Sure, you could just press right and
hop out of bed, but this is the only bed you will ever be allowed to enter.
Savour the moment and the sprite!  Or, you could just hop out of bed.
Talking to Marin again yields:

Marin: "Follow the lane south th reach the beach where I found you.  Since you
        washed ashore, lots of nasty monsters have been in the area, so be
        careful, okay?"

Go talk to the man with the huge nose.  Unfortuantely, you have to get this
close to him because the game doesn't allow you the get the hell out of
there.

Man: "Well, /*name*\, yoa finally snapped out of it...  Name's Tarin... Hope
      yer feelin' better...  What?  How did I know your name?  You think it's
      weird eh?  Well, I saw it on back of this shield!"

Yay!  A shield!  Now you can kick some serious...isn't there something else
you need to do that?  Maybe it's a sword..hmm...Anyways, it defaults to the
B button.  If you like the shield right where it is, go for it, but you now
have access to the start menu.  Previously, you didn't (did you know that?)
There's nothing more to do here, so exit.

Ah, the fresh outdoors.  There's a CHICKEN!!  Unfortunately, you can only
bump it with your shield, which doesn't even bother it.  You could do this all
day, but the villagers would think you were a retard.  Link has an ego to
keep, so go explore the town.  It's layed out like this:


         A   B   C   D

           xxxxxxxxxxxxx
    1      x 4 x 7 | 9 |
       x---x---x---|---|
    2  x   x   x   | 8 |
       x---x---x---|---x
    3  x 2 | 3 | 1 |   x
       x---x---|---|---x
    4  x \ x 5 | 6 | + x
       x---xxxxxxxxxxxxx
       
Legend:  1) Marin and Tarin's home
         2) Well
         3) Madam MeowMeow's house
         4) Fishing Pond
         5) Ulrira's house
         6) Telephone booth
         7) Papahl's house
         8) Shop
         9) Dream Shrine
         +) Trendy Game
         \) Library

Explanation: 1) You are here...it's Marin and Tarin's house.  You woke up in
                here, remember?
             2) The well contains a heart piece.  However, it's blocked by
                a bush.  You'll be able to get it later.
             3) Madam MeowMeow's house.  Really not much you can do here, but
                why don't you meet her anyways?  Right...
             4) The fishing pond has fish in it.  To get the fish, you need
                to fish.  To fish to get the fish, you need money.  Since you
                have none, too bad.  You can get a heart piece here later.
             5) Ulrira's house is the only person on the island that has his
                own telephone network.  While I'm not sure why he does have
                one (senile?), he'll give out lots of hints.  Kinda tactiturn,
                though.
             6) Telephones are home to a number of bacteria.  You risk getting
                a seious bacterial infection if you use the public telephone,
                so use anti-bacterial cream every time.  Go to one every time
                you're stuck to get hints for what to do next.
             7) No one is as stupid as this couple.  Apparantly, the family
                believes they have four children, but you only see the one in
                Mrs. Paphal's arms.  Pehaps living on an island in the middle
                of nowhere has made this couple crazy (they even have five
                beds!)
             8) You can buy stuff with you're non-existant money here.
             9) Don't even worry about this now.
             +) Gambling is fun, but getting raped by a bouncer isn't.
                At the time, the bouncers are here.  You can't even access
                this, because of bushes.
             \) Lots of beginner info you should have picked up when you read
                the instructions.  Either than that, it's unimportnat now.

If you've explored the town, or just wanna get on with it, go to [/].  Then,
exit down.  Down is good.  Down is where you need to be.

Tonorobo Shores (South of the Village included):

         A   B   C   D   E   F

       x---xxxxxxxxxxxxx
    1  x 1 |   |   |   x
       x---|---x---|xxxx
    2  x   |   x   | 3 x
       x---xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx|
    3  x   | 2 |   | 4 |   |   |
       x---|---|---xxxxx---|---|
    4  x   |   | 5 |   |   x   |
       xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Legend: 1) Sign
        2) Sign
        3) Tail Cave
        4) Sale's House O' Bananas
        5) Your sword (!)

Explanation: 1) Sign...says: " > Tail Cave
                                Toronobo Shores"
             2) Sign...says: "Beware of Sea Urchins!  Don't touch them with
                              your bare hands!"
             3) Your first dungeon...and you can't get into it.  Don't hang
                around, you'll look poor.
             4) Sale's house of bananas.  He's an alligator.  Yeah.  ???
             5) Your SWORD!  GET THIS, AND STOP READING THIS!

Make your way towards [5].  Get to your sword not by taking D3, but going to
C4.  By going B3, D3, you'll encounter much more enemies, so take D3.  You
can push the sea urchins with your shield.  Don't make the mistake of walking
into them after you push them...your bare hands will get horny with spikes...
Anyways, get that sword!  Right when you get there, an owl will fly up to you
and begin talking (making annoying hooting noises and utulizing the Game
Boy's uncanny ability of repetive music.

Owl: "Hoot!  Hoot! So you are the lad who owns the sword...  Now I understand
      why the monsters are starting to act so violently..  A courageous lad
      has come to wake the Wind Fish...  It is said that you cannot leave
      the island unless you wake the Wind Fish...  You should now go north,
      to the Mysterious Forest.  I will wait for you ther!  Hoot!"

He and his stupid babbling will leave your pixelated screen, leaving you to
get your baby.  Get it!  Stop reading!  GET IT!

Game Text: "You got your sword back!  It must be yours because it has your
            name engraved on it!"

With that, you'll lose the music, and get your Zelda music.  Your sword will
be equipped to whatever button you have free (A if you haven't changed
the shield).  Make your way back to Koholint Village, because you can do
stuff!  Yeah!

Koholint Village:

         A   B   C   D

           xxxxxxxxxxxxx
    1      x   x 4 |   |
       x---x---x---|---|
    2  x   x   x   |   |
       x---x---x---|---x
    3  x 1 |   |   | 2 x
       x---x---|---|---x
    4  x   x   |   | 3 x
       x---xxxxxxxxxxxxx

First of all, now that you have money, you can do stuff!  {1} conceals a
heart piece in the well.  In case you wondered about getting it or not, you
aren't man enough to play this game without heart pieces.  Get it, boy.  Next
head on over to {2} and chop down all the bushes.  One of them conceals a
Secret Seashell.  If you have enough rupees, you can go over to 3 and play
the trendy game (don't worry, the bouncers won't rape you because you have a
long metal shaft now).  If you don't, then GET SOME.

Trendy Game Strategies:

You may wonder why you're here.  The reason is that you need to do a trading
sequence (similar to Zelda: TOoT's, yet this is required for game
progression)  See the green dinosaur in the middle of the playfield?  You
need this, because Link gets afraid at nights and needs something to cuddle
up with.  Go up to the nerdy man in the right corner, and pay him 10 Rupees
to play.

Control:  B moves the crane right
          A moves the crane down

Simple enough?  After you have moved right, you can no longer move in that
directon, and are forced to move the crane down.  To get the Yoshi Doll, just
move the crane left so it vertically oriented with it (THE SHADOW) and then
move the crane down.  The shadow will be on top of it, then release A.  It
will grab the stuffed thingy, and put it on the tray.  You got it!

Also, you need to get that magic powder.  In order to do so, move the crane
right until it is on the first conveyor belt tile.  Then, wait for the
magic powder to be on the second to last up tile (vertically down one tile
from your crane shadow.)  You'll get the magic powder.  This trick can be
done with any item.

*ITEM LIST FOR TRENDY GAME*

Red Rupee - 30 Rupees
Yoshi Doll - Yoshi Doll *
Magic Powder - Magic Powder (10 units)
Heart - 3 hearts
Shield - Level 1 Shield

* The Yoshi Doll can only be received once when playing the Trendy Game

Fun, eh?  Now get over to 4, because Paphal and their non-existant children
are in a crisis.  It appears that they need your Yoshi Doll.  Hell, since you
shouldn't be sleeping with a stuffed animal anyways, why don't you give Mrs.
Paphal the doll and be done with it.  You'll get a ribbon in return.  Great,
now Link can cross-dress.

Remember MeowMeow?  Go to the kennel (adjacent to the main entrance of the
house) and talk to the little Chomp-Chomp.  He'll ask for the ribbon.  Trade
your ribbon (sad!) to your new homosexual friend, and he'll give you 100%
Chicken Byproduct Dog Food.  Food poisoning or your money back!

Yep, we're getting nowhere fast, huh?  Make your way over to A4, and exit
Mabe Village.  Go to Sale's House, and ask him if he's had his chunky soup
yet.  Sale will eat the dog food, can and all.  What a manly man!  You'll get
some bananas, which make a tasty treat with whip cream.

Now, we gotta make some progress.  Go back to Mabe Village, and go to the
Fishing Pond.  Once again, you need to have some cash on hand, so play the
Trendy Game a couple of times to build up a sum of money.  A game costs 10
Rupees.

Control:  A button - Cast - Reel
          B button - Reel
          D Up - Move bait up

This game is pitifully simple.  You cast with the A button, and if the bait
goes near any of the fish, they'll bite it.  Then, you press either A or
B button rapidly to reel them in.  Easy.  The big lunker in the crevice under
you has a heart piece, so don't leave until you have caught it.

*PRIZE LIST*

Runt - 5 rupees
Lunker - 20 rupees
Lunker in crevic - 20 rupees + heart piece *

* Subsequent catches of this fish will not yeild multiple heart pieces

Enough fun.  Let's get serious.  Go to A3, and chop down the bush.  Go
upward, and the owl will speak to you.

Owl:  "Hoot!  Ho, brave lad, on your quest to wake the dreamer!  Welcome to
      the Mysterious Wood!  Much of mystery you will find on this uncharted
      island!  I'm afraid you may find it a trifle difficult to leave the
      island while the Wind Fish naps.  ...By the by, have you ever visited
      the Tail Cave, which issouth of the village?  Go there with the key you
      find in this forest...  The Wind Fish is watching...Hoot!

Yeah...something like that.  The Mysterious Woods looks a little like this:

            xxxxxxxxxxxxx    
            |   |   |   |
            |---x---xxxxx
                x   | 2 x
        xxxxx---x---x---x
        x   |   | 3 x   x
        x---|---x---x---x
        x   | 1 x   |   x
        x---xxxxxxxxxxxxx
        x   x
        x---x

Go up two screens, and then right one screen, then up one screen to meet the
insane queer raccoon.  Since this is a NINTENDO game, you need to censor him.

He says:  "As a raccoon, my nose is verrry sensitive, ta stuff like dust and
powder..." The raccoon says this when you go to speak with him.

When you try to leave by going up, our furry faggot says:  "Heh heh heh ho!
You're goin' ta be lost, thanks to me!  Heh heh!"

Teach this little fairy a lesson by taking some of your magic powder (you
should have won some from the trendy game) and sprinkle it on his cute little
butt.  He'll spin around, and he'll turn into...Tarin.  Surprise, surprise.

The hobo wakes from his acid trip, and vibes:  "The last thing I kin remember
was bitin' into a big juicy toadstool...  Then, I had the darndest dream...
I was a raccoon!  Yeah, sounds strange, but it sure was fun!"

Fun?  See, some things DO ACTUALLY GET PAST CENSORING.  Of course you had
some fun, litte raccoon.  I can only imagine medievil homosexuality without
vasoline.

ANYWAYS, to keep this faq a PG-13 one, I'll refrain from those comments.
Go up one screen, and you'll get the Tail Key, which you kinda need...to
play the game...because you bought it...and you're broke...because you're
poor...and your ugly.  We're not going ahead, because there's no need to, and
going up won't boost Link in power any.  Since you have a map, go to the
Tail Cave.  If you can't find it, you need to take a special education class.

Tail Cave:


Good, you have an I.Q. beyond those of gifted blonds.  I commend you on your
hard work.  You should be in the cave.  Immediately, go left a screen.
You'll face two shelled moles.  You can kill these enemies by hitting them
with your sword and knocking them into pits.  Do that in this room.  Then,
somehow, a key will drop from the top of the screen.  This is all due to
the invention of tight underwear.  It's key to getting medievil everywhere.

That wasn't very funny, was it?

Take the key, then go left to an apparantly clean room.  However, when you get
close to the chest, four blue slimes will come out of the floor and attack.
This, my friend, is the most pansy-assed enemy in the game.  Kill it, because
it's just so pathetic.  KILL WEAK ANIMAL, MAKE STRONG.  The only thing to
watch out for is the torch, which have a nasty habit of throwing projectiles
that you run into.  Life isn't perfect.  Kill all four blue slimes, and
the door will open.  Take the compass.  (BTW, the torch will stop firing its
load at you.)

Go back the way you came.  Don't bother killing the shelled moles, because
it's just boring.  From that screen, go up.  This room, you don't have to
kill the enemies (being a shelled mole, and a small red slime.)  The small
red slimes can't attack you directly, but can slow you down.  You'll find
they are placed at locations that can be...irratating...in the game.  Stand
on the buttton, and a chest will appear.  That made sense.  Get the key.

From what direction you go here doesn't matter, but in this twisted FAQ, we're
going right.  We're going right because, well, that appendage is just more
fun.  The fact that there's a map in this room has nothing to do with it.
Anyways, go in, and kill the two Stalfos and the two bats.  It's quite easy,
so I won't explain it until I get letters telling me how dumb you really are.
When big man kill all, you'll get another magically appearing chest.  Great.
Open it, and the dungeon map is yours for the taking.

Go up through the one-way pannel.  Take the left.  In this room, you'll find
a worm and two blinking spectres.  It's not possible to kill the spectres, but
the worm dies in one hit.  Kill it, because your a sick-ass mother..never mind
about the last part.  Get the chest, and you'll find another key.  Joy...
                                 
Has anyone ever noticied that in all the zelda games, there hasn't been one
chasity key?  Just food for thought

Go left, and kill the worm for a chest.  You'll get twenty rupees, which
should make your insignifigant little life feel a little bit better.  If it
didn't, please stop breathing my air.  Don't worry about the crack in the
wall, it's more or less impossible to get what's in there at this point.  Go
up, and push the block upwards to stop the spike from hitting you.  Use a key,
and push on into the next room.

Since you can only go right, go right.  This next room is quite easy, but
remember to kill the small pink slimes so you can maneuver from the blinking
spectres.  Move left, and push the block that is out of place RIGHT.  This
will open up the door, and make you wish you bought a Neo Geo Pocket instead
of Game Boy Color.  I wish I did.

The enemies in this room are spiked moles.  They are quite easy to defeat.
Use your shield when they charge at you, and they'll flip over and show a mass
of genatalia.  Dismemeber them both, and a staircase will appear.  Go down,
or you'll have to eat all the monster you just cut up.  I'm not kidding.  Go.

These levels are stupid.  Go left, and hit the goombaa.  I think Nintendo has
a little problem with creativitiy, don't you?  Once you're done with the
side-scroling excrusion, you'll be in a hallway.  Go up two, and you'll be in
a room with a chest and two spikes.  Trick the spikes by moving close to the
spot they attack from, and step back.  While they're moving back, get your
feather.  You can now jump!  YAY!  By the way, if you put this feather in your
hat, you'd be super gay.  Do it!

Get out of the hallway, and go back to the room with the worm and two
spectres.  Take the uppermost path and go right (told you right is fun.)
There's a mole here, but he poses little threat.  Jump over the ledge and push
the block.  It'll disappear, and you'll lose one of your keys.  Go up the
stairs, and go left a screen.  Get the chest, and you'll get a nightmare key.
Because it was 70's retro week at Nintendo, that's why it has all the frills.
Go back the way you came so you're on the opposite ledge of the nightmare key.

Go right a screen, and unlock the door on the right.  If your pulse went up,
go get some exercise, you lazy bum.  Go up a screen, and you'll be in a room
with three penguins.  They have a suit that changes every half second or so,
and what we want to do is make all of their suits the same.  You stop them by
hitting them with your trusty sword.  Then, they all do a heaven's gate on you
(don't you hate that?) and a chest will appear.  You'll get a stone beak,
which really serves no purpose except to give you useless hints that a four
year old would need.  Anyways, just get the damn thing before I change my mind
and delete this, and replace it with Tom Green's Testicle Song.

Go down, and then go right.  You'll need Roc's Feather equipped to make it
across.  You'll face a miniboss.  Basically, all you need to do here is jump
over his barrel and hit him with your sword.  This battle is even made easier
as the boss will jump towards you, making your job alot easier.  He'll explode
and grant passage to the next room.  A portal will also be opened that'll
let you go back to the beginning of the level.  Back to the beginning...where
you didn't get caught with acid under your bed.  In the beginning...

Go up, and trick the spikes.  Unlock the door with your nightmare key, and
go through.  Make sure you have your shield and your sword equipped for the
boss.

TAIL CAVE BOSS:

This is very easy.  Hold the shield at all times, and get to the center.
From here, your sword swipes will pretty much hit wherever he's at.  Hit him
four times, and you'll vanquish him.  If you fall into the pit, you'll go
to a sidescrolling room which leads to the room before the boss.  Also,
falling means you reset the boss damage, so don't fall.

Get the heart piece that he dropped, and  obtaining it will give you another
heart and open both doors.  Go up a screen, and there's your first instrument.
I think you should get it, you know, being the whole point of the game and
all.  (the instrument is called the Full Moon Cello, if you cared.)

You'll teleport out of there, and back to the outside entrance of the
Tail Cave.

It should make sense to exit left.  Upon leaving, that bastard owl will annoy
the shit out of you.  I'm really getting annoyed here.

God damn owl says:  "Hoooot!  That is an 'Instrument of the Sirens!'  I have
to admit, at first I did not believe you were real...  That Instrument, along
with the seven others in the set, has the power to wake the Wind Fish!  You
must collect them all!  I was instructed to give you directions...  Your next
goal is north, in Goponga Swamp!!  Hoot, indeed!"

Just makes me want to kill this gay SOB.  Go up (jump across using Roc's
feahter) and go left two screens and then up one, to get back to Mabe Village.
You'll find a reason to go postal when you get there.

It seems that a bunch of college guys...no...Moblins, went and stole Madam
MeowMeow's BowWow to perform all types of satanic rituals and beastiality on.
To keep your reality devil free, you gotta go and save that dog!  You don't
need to visit Madam MeowMeow.  She's too distraught, and is probably taking
some anti-depressant pills by the bulk.  I wouldn't go, as my mom always
chases me around the house with an axe saying "you're the mouse who stole my
carkeys."  OK.  

Go up to the Mysterious Wood, and from there, we're going to side-track a bit
to make ourselves the buff sexy bitches that we are.  Go up, right, up, right,
and go into the log cave.  The eyes in the cave are bats.  You do not need to
kill them, but you probably should.  Slash the crystals on both sides of the
block, then push the block to one side.  Take the 50 rupee prize.

Go up, then left.  It's not necessary to kill the two blue slimes that pop out
of the floor.  You'll be in a room with a whole bunch of blocks.  From where
you're standing, move down so you push that block.  Then, at that posistion
where you pushed the block, move left and push that block.  You're free.
Go up, jump over the pothole so you can exit right on the next screen, go
right, and go right again.  Go right again.  Do the right thing.

Look at that heart piece.  Oh, it's SO pretty.  Jump over the hole and it's
yours!  Go up, then follow the path to go right.  If you notice in this next
screen, you'll see an owl.  He's stoned, as you can tell by the dialated eyes
and the capital letters in which he speaks in.  He says nothing important, so
disregard him.  Go into the cave.  The next section is possibly the best in
the game.  LOVE IT.

KILL THOSE COLLEGE BASTARDS!  You'll enter, and there will be one standing
right there.  You know what you gotta do, Davey.  Beat him with your sword and
burn his intestines.  GO.  (He's actually very easy.  Just attack him on the
side of his shield.  He can never block with his shield, only his sword.)  The
next room has been adeptly named by me as the ORGY ROOM.  Four college boys
flinging around shafts...just not right.  STRONG MAN MUST KILL ALL!  Kick
their asses, because they're just plain ugly.  Go right, and meet the ugliest
college mo-fo you've ever seen in your life.  He's irritatingly gay, so put
him out of his misery.

After he says some stupid little Nintendo-typical line, it's time to get
medievil.  He fires three arrows at you, which you should evade.  Then, he'll
charge at you.  Avoid this pathetic attempt at an attack and he'll fall over,
dazed.  Hit him with the sword a couple times.  After about 9 hits, Link has
killed everyone and everything.  Nothing like the smell of whoop-ass in the
morning.

THIS IS PERHAPS THE SINGLE MOST TWISTED SCENE IN THE GAME.  Go right, and
you'll see BowWow.  Unlatch him, and Link comments on what a fearsome beast he
is.  I don't even want to think where that came from.  Nintendo, you really
are out to corrupt our children.

Now that you've got a fearsome beast, you can do all sort of fearsome stuff!
Just remember to carry around a plastic baggy when he decides to crap on
someone's lawn, or eat some nice, furry, fuzzy, scrumptions and demonic bunny
rabbit.  Just remember.  Ok, now we gotta go back to the Mysterious Wood at
the place you got the Tail Key, and go left a screen, then up a screen.
You're now out of the woods, and into...another screen!  We don't want to jump
across the holes, because that's where super-gay Mr. Write lives.  Don't go
there.

Goponga Swamp!  Doesn't that name seem...so wrong?  Go right two screens from
Mr. Write's house to get there.  Now, here's where Bow-Wow comes in.  Using
him, you can eat the flowers that block your way.  It's awsome!  Kick ass, my
little friend.  Kick ass.  Go right two screens to get to Bottle Grotto.
There is a fifty rupee chest in Goponga Swamp, but since you get all the
rupees you'll ever need from the Trendy game, why waste time?  I got it.  I
am a certified procrastinator...and maybe some other words that ryme with
that word, but that's beside the point.

Bottle Grotto:

See, when Nintendo makes names, they try to come up with the cheesiest names
they can find.  Link's Awakening is the best example of this theory.  See, in
this level...there are alot of bottles...yeah.  Go up, and don't try to lift
any bottles, because you don't have the balls or the brawn to do it.  After
all, you are playing video games.  Keep playing, weakling.

Hope you have some magic powder handy.  You'll need to sprinkle them on both
lanterns to get them lighted.  Get them both lit so you can exit right.  Kill
both Stalfos in the next room to get a key.  Thank you God.  Go left a screen,
and open that locked door.  This room is dark as well, but you don't need to
light the lantern.  Just kill the bats, and the door magically open.  Don't
you get the feeling that videogame designers are pro-death?  It really doesn't
matter to me, being a studmuffin and all, but it matters to you, doesn't it?

The next room has a mole in it. You could light the torches if you like, but
it's not necessary.  The chest has a stone beak in it.  You doubt my power?!
Lesson number 1:  I want you to suffer.  Go back the way you came.  You will
have to light the torches again to get back to the screen where you got the
key.

Go right a screen, and hit the crystal to go down.  Oh, a Stalfos Knight
awaits you.  Blow off, weak man.  Kill.  Destroy.  Mutilate.  Dismember.
Strong man know what do.  Hit the crystal to lower the blocks so you can get
a key.  You'll have to hit the crystal to lower the blocks on the other screen
to go up.  Then, hit the crystal again (on the screen you just entered) to get
left and get bent.

Use your key (this is key) and unlock the door using the key (key point) and
don't leave any key (key marks) inside the door.  (that was stupid.)  (Go in
the room and you'll meet an interesting enemy.)  (He mirrors the moves you do,
and he can't be attacked from the front.)  (Manipulate him so that you're
close to his side, and them rape him like it's 9999.)  (Of course, they left
this move out in the American version, so I guess you'll just have to swing
your sword.)  (A chest will appear [thanks up there!] and inside is a
compass.)  (No more parenthesis.)  (Parenthesis is the devil!)

Go back to the treasure chest surrounded by blocks, and hit the crystals when
necessary to get through.  Go right a screen.  Jump across, and get the powder
bag.  After all, crack is great.  Step on the button, and a treasure chest
will appear.  

Go up, and you'll find two of the Shy Guys.  Crabwalk and kill them both by
swinging your big shaft and penetrating them...in the skin.  When you make
them meet their maker, God throws down another key!  Really appreciate it up
there!  Go back to around to get it, them we'll meet back up and do this
thing!

Go right.  You don't need to kill the spiked moles, so let them live.  Make
love...or make love.  Insert your key into the door, so it opens.  As I said
earlier, you can't rape it.  Oh, that made your day bad, didn't it?  The next
room seems like a dead end, but if you're intensly reading this FAQ, then it's
only your head that's dead.  Push both blocks on the covered tile, and revive
your head.  Stairs will appear, and go down them.  If you don't, I'm coming
down there and I'm gonna beat your nerdy ass to a pulp.

This is pretty much a simple side-scrolling stage, so do it yourself, ok?
You'll be in a dark room when you get out.  You should be able to make out the
shapes of the room, so jump voer the cliff, get the heart, and go through the
one-way door.

Hey, it's a miniboss!  Kill the mofo!  He throws bombs at you...what a pussy!
He also throws you, but all you have to do is hit him with your sword.  Strong
man better kick his ass, or I'll kick yours!  About eight whacks will get him
coming to death, as in approching to it, nearing it, forget it.  Another bad
joke ;p.  When he dies, he'll leave behind a fairy and a teleporter.  It'll
bring you back to the beginning, slightly before the middle, but not before
the expoaiarion.  MOVING ON...go right.  Kill the bats if they give you any
trouble, and jump over the holes to go up.

The next room is somewhat difficult, since you've never encountered this enemy
before.  On a tile, there is an enemy which draws you towards you.  While it's
possible to kill it, you can't in this predicament because it's isolated on a
tile.  Level designers are bitches, aren't they?  Don't worry about the Keese,
they'll get sucked into the vortex.  Just move right when he sucks you and
jump, and you'll be fine.  Get the map that's in the treasure chest, and
leave by going up.

If you're low on your happy powder, get the floating pak in this next room.
Anyways, you'll want to go left (this will require a key.)  To kill the ghosts
in the next room, you're gonna have to scare them shitless.  Do so by lighting
the torches (although one torch is required) and get medievil on their pasty
asses.  When they're done and gone, a chest will appear which contains the
treasure of this level, the Power Bracelet.  You'll have to equip it to lift
things.

Go back.  Open the chest to get your worthless prize of 20 rupees.  Lift the
bottles to take the upper path, and exit right.  In this next room, hit the
crystal, and you'll be raised on the pillars.  Go down to where the pillar is
not raised (in front of the crystal) and hit it again.  You'll be raised.
Jump off to your right to get the treasure chest.  You get...a porn magazine!

Actually, no.  It's just a small key.

Hit the crystal again to raise yourself, then exit right.  You may need to
whack the mole a couple of times, as he can be quite irritating in this screen
layout.  Exit right, then go down.

This is perhaps the most mentally engaging level in the game.  Right here is
what made Zelda an E rated game instead of a C (children...6 and under.)
Tackle the puzzle in this order:

        Kill the Pols Voice
        Kill the Keese
        Kill the Stalfos Knight

In case you didn't know how to kill the Pols Voice, throw a bottle at it.  It
is very easy to free him, and if you can't, you probably moan for food.  The
chest yields a Nightmare Key.  Clap for joy, cause you are so happy!  Happy!
HAPPY!!!!  And if you touch me in the no-no spot, I'll kill you.  Really.
BTW, the stairs in this room leads to the room right before that vortex, so
it isn't worth going through there.

Go up a screen, then go right (unlock it with a small key).  In this room,
strong man come and conquer all!  After your sexy bitchedness finishes, a
staircase will appear.  Joy..?  You're in side-scroll mode again.  Get on the
platform, and it will sink.  Go left a screen.  Grab the pot, and climb up the
ladder.  Get on top of the platform, and it will sink.  How the hell does Link
climb up a ladder while holding the pot?  Satan.

You're now at the entrance to the boss.  If you're low on hearts, I recommend
you save+quit, and go back to the start of the level.  Lifting up pots will
reveal heart pieces.

BOSS:

It's time to teach this clown once and for all that dressing up like a homo
is not cool.  He'll start out throwing fireballs at you, which you'll have to
evade.  When he gets back into his bottle, stick your shaft right in there!
He'll be stunned at your advances, so beat him up like an Italian whore!
Throw the thing!  After you repeat the process three times, his bottle breaks.
Time to kick his ass.  He'll do this fade trick, and then he'll try and
surprise you and hit you with a fireball.  Keep moving up and down.  When he
materializes, whack him.  After four or five hits, he's spent.  Get the heart,
and the instrument.

Yay, you're out of that stinking hole!  Get out of there, then go down two
screens.  Now, lift the rock!  There's nothing there!  HA!  Dumbass...go right
a screen.  Lift the rock and go into the house.  This is Crazy Tracy's house, and never
forget where it is.  Buy the potion she gives you.  This will replenish your
life if you die.  Of course, you'll be dying alot, so you'll be this whore's
favorite little customer.  Go to Mabe Village, and buy a shovel.  Just do it,
you want that shovel.  It's pretty, and I know you dig it.  You'll need it
later on.

Ok, go to the east side of Mabe Village (the exit that was covered with rocks)
and follow the path.  BTW, jump in the warp portal, which is a pit with some
stupid dot animations in it.  Stupid gameboy...it'll launch you and return you
to the same spot.  Don't worry, this 'activates' it, and makes it accessable
when you jump into other warp portals.  Follow the path, and when you get to
the place with rocks.  Bomb it, so you can open it up.  Don't go in...and
don't argue with me.  You're fat.

Go right.  Bomb the entrance to the cave so you can go inside.  If you're low
on health (you suck if you are) go inside and get refreshed by the sexy fairy
inside.  She does it for free, so let her caress your body with her love...
Go down, and bomb the strange skull-like rock.  That'll teach those homo game
designers to put gay looking things in our way.

Follow the path now, and go down.  Keep following it until you get to a house.
This my friend, is a true fag.  He dresses in the worst clothes I've ever seen
in my life, and won't take back his castle because, like all fags, he's a huge
pussy.  Unfortunately, game designers are pro-gay, and they want you to help
this fruit out.  Talk to him, and you'll learn about his golden leaf problem.
Personally, I'd like to shove these leaves up his ass, but he sees things
differently.  Agree to Richard, and run before he starts hitting on you.

Go to Kanalet castle.  Do this by taking the path, and at all intersections go
up.  His servants must of had some brains, and they closed the gate.  You
can't get past this, so you'll have to find another way.  Go right two screens
and you'll find a monkey.  MONKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Give him the bannanas, because he's a MONKEY.  He'll make you a kick ass
bridge that'll give you a path to Kanalet Castle.  This is awsome.
Unfortunately, Kiki will leave.  The music will stop forever until you get the
stick.  You know you want that stick.  It'll make you more of a man!

Go up two screens, and go left.  Hit the bush, and it'll reveal a passage.
Surprise, surprise.  Get out of the side-scroll level (which is pretty easy)
and make your way into the courtyard of Kanalet.  It's time to kick ass and
take names.

Go left, and go down.  Kill the guard, and pick up a rock.  Throw it at the
crow, and it will take flight.  Destroy the bird, and a golden leaf is yours.
There's only four more to go.

Go down, then right twice, then up.  Imagine whack a mole, and you know what
to do.  Hit him a couple times (he'll pop out more than once) and avoid the
bombs he throws.  Maybe people really shouldn't come out of the holes they
live in.  Get the Golden Leaf he drops.  Now, go inside the castle.  Go left,
and kill the two guards.  After they're vanquished, God gives you a leaf.  God
really does love you!

Go up (kill all if you want) and go right.  Press the button, and raise the
gate.  The castle was wired just before the (sensable) servants rebelled
against Richard.  Hitting it will cause the gate outside to open, and allowing
you to move in and out more freely.  Not like you'll ever come back, but...

DX NOTE:  THE PICTURE THAT IS POSSIBLE OUTSIDE THE GATE IS NOW NOT POSSIBLE.

Exit upper left, then go up the stairs.  Hopefully, you'll have some bombs on
hand.  If you don't, then you're screwed (you'll have to go back to Mabe!)
That's shit.  But, if you do, go bomb the left tomb on the wall.  It will
release the guy entombed it.  As an action of gratitude, he'll attack you.
Kill the bastard for a Golden Leaf.  One more to go.

Go right, and follow the path till you get outside.  The chain guy you saw has
the last leaf, and of course, we gotta shag him rotten.  Once you are out on
the balcony, go into the other exit (there is nothing to do up here except
that.)  Once you are back inside the castle, take one of the bottles and throw
it against the door.  Like magic, it'll open.

Basically, you want to gangbang the guy until he weeps.  Get up close, and
keep slashing your sword at him.  He'll bite the big one in no time.  Hold
your shild up, however.  You'll have the last golden leaf, and you're done
with this little excursion.  Go back to Richard's villa.  No, I will not hold
your hand.

The little fag tricked you.  Now, you gotta go and get the key.  Go under the
box and you'll be in a cave of some sorts.  Take the left path, and push the
stone into the pit.  Jump across it, and another seashell is yours.  Great.
Now, make your way around and go up the stairs, and out the cave.

I'm tired.  I'm not making a section for the grotto, so you can navigate it
yourself.  Besides, you're ugly.

Once you get to the owl, cut the bush.  You can also throw it.  So, what will
you do?  I'll give you a second for your brain to process the information, as
I know that this game has been a mental excursion for you.  Just remember this
is a game, and no girl would ever go out with you.  Now that I've boosted your
self-esteem, dig under the bush to get the Slime Key.

Get out of the maze and the house, and exit up.  Go left, then up.  Rub up
against the keyhole, fondle it, whatever.  Just make sure you stick your
large, bulbous key into it.  That's why there's a keyhole there.  To put a key
in.  Go around and get in.  There's a secret seashell you can dig up on the
roof if you want one (between the grass squares.)

Anyways, you're in Key Cavern.  You won't be able to go right for a while, so
pick up a barrel and take your rage against the machine out.  Next room
contains a Stalfos, a small red slime, and two bombs.  Hitting the bombs will
make them go wildly out of control.  Hold your shield when they do this, and
hopefully you'll be somewhere else when it goes off.  Reminds me just like
women...  Kill all, and a chest containing a key is yours.

Take the right path (it's right) and go up.  Four slimes will try to ambush
you, but they suck ass.  STRONG MAN KILL ALL!  Take out the four slimes, then
open up the chest.  You get...a slime!  Haha...you suck.  Go up, and kill the
Stalfos.  There's a chest in here that only appears when all the enemies are
gone, and you'll be able to get it when you kil the red slime over on the left
path.  Remember. Programmers hate you.

Go down the stairs, and don't argue.  If you try to push the blocks down,
even the dungeon monsters won't come near you, because they'll think you're a
retard with an IQ of 5, and'll feel sorry for you.  Just do it.  Once you're
down, go...up?  Kill the two monsters, and you'll get a pretty, shiny key
(which looks like every other key you'll get.)  There's an owl statue in here,
but the only good things tose are for is to defecate on.  Hit the crystal,
get out, and go up the stairs.

You can get the treasure chest if you want, but it's pretty lame (stone beak)
so go down.  Get down to the room where you were ambushed and take a right.
Since the blocks are lowered, you'll be able to go around and get the chest.
The two keese and the lone stalfos shouldn't be any trouble.  You can push the
block to the left to save time, but take the way you came out.  Don't be a
dick.

Go back to the stairs, and go down.  Take a...left, yeah...  Here's a room
that has two penguin looking things and a slime.  Slime's easy, but the
penguins are tricky to kill, as they teleport whenever you get near.
Basically, these guys appear on the opposite side of the bridge alinged where
the other one is.  So if one's down on the left, he'll go up and he'll be on
the left.  Whatever happened to just plain old shitkicking?  Once you're done,
a key will fall from the ceiling which it might be a good idea to get before
it falls...just my opinion and all...

Go out, and unlock the door that goes down.  Another penguin and a Stalfos
await you.  Kill them, and a key will fall.  That's nice, and you might want
to get it before the conveyor belt makes it fall into the abyss...don't know
why...

Unlock the door to your left now, and go up the stairs (the enemies pose no
threat except the keese.)  Now, HERE'S an original room.  Walk around, and
kill the slimes to get the key.  Man, I've like...NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE?
Run around, get the key...got the key...go up.  In this room, you can bomb the
east wall.  Place a bomb between the two torches, and you'll create a hole
big enough to let Fat Albert in.  Go into the next room, and bomb the crumbled
wall.  Now that you've had fun trying to make a cave in, go up.  In this room,
you'll find three bombs of a different variety than last time.  We'll call
them...the Millenium Bomb.  You hit it, then it gets really high.  It'll stay
like that for a little while, then a number will show on its face.  When that
number hits zero, it makes a little explosion (just like the millenium.)  Once
you killed everything, the door will open.

Go left, and get the compass.  Now, bomb the wall to the left.  It'll crumble,
and you'll have access to yet another room...yawn...  In this room, kill the
bombs to get a key!  Wow, how many times have we done that?  Get back to the
room where you first bombed a wall and go left.  Don't go up unless you have
mucho bombs.  Instead, go left.  Kill the penguins (you should know the
routine now) and get the key.  Go up.  Kill all the enemies to make a treasure
chest appear, then go up.  Get through this screen, but killing all the
enemies is not necessary.  Pick up the bombs so you can put some in your
neighbor's toilet...or not...

Since you should have enough bombs, go back to the miniboss, and pick up the
fifty rupee prize in the chest.  Basically, the two minibosses are hurt if
they swallow a bomb.  Since they swallow anything in their path, just drop a
bomb and they'll eat it.  Three bombs per piece.  Take these mofos out.
You'll get a warp point, and...nothing.  Go right.  Push the blocks around
so you can get to the chest, and...get it.  The Peagasus boots are yours!

Go to the room where you first bombed a wall, and go into the wall.  Jump
arcoss the pit using the Peagasus Boots and Roc's Feather.  Go up, and jump
across the pit again.  Another repetitive ploy, but...no, it's just repetitive
numbnut stuff.  Go to the miniboss room, and teleport.  Go right, and use the
peagasus boots to run over to the other side and kill the reversed vortex.
Take the small key.  Now, go back to the entrance, and go up the left path
to kill that slime.  Then, go back and kill the Stalfos in the adjacent room.
A chest will appear, and you'll get 200 rupees!  KICK ASS!

Teleport back to the boss room, and go down.  Use all of your keys and unlock
the blocks ont he upper right path to go down the stairs.  You should go down
them...no idea why.

In the sidescrolling level, hit the thwamp by hitting it with the peagasus
boots.  The next screen is just a jump, and poses no problem.  Exit down.
You're going to find that the penguins are alot easier in this level.  All
that needs to be done is use the peagasus boots and charge at them.  All gay
enemy designers get defeated in their work, see?  If you've lost heart
(probably by reading this guide)  get the floationg one here.  Left...

Keese on conveyor belt is more or less Keese...that are on a conveyor belt.
Kill em all and let god sort em out.  Kill them all and you get a key, the
hell?  Go up.

BOSS:

At first, you can't see the asswipe you're gonna screw up.  But, run up
against the wall, and the pussy will be revealed.  A huge eye will appear.
Break it in half with the peagasus boots.  Once it's in two, proceed to kick
both of their retinas'.  They only take a couple of hits apiece, and their
jumping attack shouldn't pose a threat.  Extremly easy boss.

Get the heart, and go get your next instrument.

Now that you're magically out of the cave, go right.  Yep, it's time to get
annoyed by the damn owl.

Demonic Owl says:  "Hoot!  How many Instruments have you gotten so far?  When
you play the Instruments in front of the Egg, the Wind Fish will wake and you
will lwave this island.  Now, you must hasten to the Yarna Desert!  The dark,
monstrous inhabitants of the sand will show you the way!  Hoot hoot!"

Basically, you gotta go on the move.  Go right, up, right, up, up, right,
down, right.  BUT, you may want to get the honey comb first.  Go back to the
Honey Comb and you'll find Tarin for no apparant reason.  Talk to him, and
give him your shaft...of wood.  Prepare for one of the weirdest things in
gaming history.

Right...........

Anyways, get the honeycomb.  THEN, go follow the directons.  Tricked you, eh?
When you're where you are suppossed to be, hit the bush with your sword.  A
staircase.  Just go through here, and break the crystals with the Peagasus
Boots.  When you['re out, go down a screen, then go right.  This is Animal
Village, a place where anybody can have sex with Rabbits!

Gayness has reached a new level.  You need to get out of here as soon as
possible!  Jesus, try to get out alive!  Go right, then down, and go into the
house.  Here, we'll find the resident gay bear.  Since his gay partner has
left him for another man, he's become fat, and wants your honey.  Give it to
him, and get him out of his depression.  Help him do asses once more.  He'll
give you a pineapple for the trade.

Go down, and left.  Jump in the portal, and you'll go to the portal near
Mabe Village.  Go back into town, and go to the building that's blocked off
with rocks.  Jump in bed.

You're in this weird little shrine.  Use your chargeup attack and kill all
obstacles.  Don't run into the bean-shaped enemies, as they'll take a chuck
of your health.  Never do acid...

The chest on the right contains 100 rupees.  If you break the crystal, you
can get the Ocarina!  It's coo, go get it.

Go to Tonrobo Shores, and go until you find Marin.  Find her yourself, because
I don't want to write directions.  Basically, this is a dumb little cut-scene
where a plot of some type is trying to be expressed, but the only thing I paid
attention to was her tight ass.  I just have this thing for super-deformed
women...

NOTE:  Actually, if you pay attention to the graphics in this cutscene, they
are pretty detailed.  And no, the author does not want to have sex with Marin.

You got Marin!  Nintendo is trying to teach kids a very important lesson;
women are men's possesion.

HAVING FUN WITH MARIN:

Marin is the coolest slut you'll find in the game.  I mean, you can make her
do things for you for free!  However, you'll find that you make her talk when
you do certain things, and even make her bark like a dog when she's bad.  Try
these things:

Dig
Whack a chicken
Fall into the well (picture taken only in DX)
Go to the lookout point on the lowest-left corner of the map (DX)
Go to the weather vane (DX)
Look into drawers (1)
Throw pots
Go to Trendy Game
Go into a dungeon (2)
Talk to people
Play Ocarina if you haven't learned any songs

(1) This is incorrectly triggered when you go into the library.  I guees that
Marin, like all blondes, are incredibly stupid.

(2) Marin does a weird animation here...it's kinda unique.  It kinda makes you
wonder what was originally planed for Marin?  Anyways, it's worth a look.

After you're done having your fun (heh) with Marin, it's time to get down to
business.  Go and get back to Animal Village (any means you like, but the
warp point is the easiest) and exit from the southeast exit.  Take the path
and find the walrus.  Give the walrus a surprise (in a non-sexual way) and
he'll be off faster than you can say "Potatoe."  The spelling is intentional.
You don't get it...nobody gets that...

Go right, then up until you find the miniboss.  Kill this pussy right where
he stands.  Don't worry about this dumbass, he can't even aim for the can
when he takes a leak.  Once you kill this idgit, he'll drop the Angler Key.
Unfortunately, it'll drop down through the sand, and you'll have to pick it up
there, even if you managed to snag it above ground.  Don't argue with the
game, it makes sense.  Think in angled terms.

Anyways, get the key, and get out of the cave.  Exit and get back to Animal
Village (hopefully you can get back without being anally raped).  Talk to
Marin, and you'll trigger a cutscene where you learn 'The Ballard of the Wind
Fish.'  Now, you can hear Marin's beautiful beeps whenever you play the
ocarina!

Oh, TOO BAD!  You see, I had directions to the Angler Cave on my computer, but
well, it got erased.  You'll have to get to the Angler Cave all by yourself.
Dear god, I have pity on you if you are a retarted monkey...(make sure you
unlock the dungeon first, and give the pineapple to Papahl, because he needs a
sex life, and the pineapple is the only way he's going to get one.  Check out
that animation!)

Ok, you're in the dungeon (yes, you're in the dungeon...)  Go up, and kill the
keese and the spiked moles.  No trouble for this buff elf, right?  Kill all,
and the door will open.  Go right.  Open the chest to get a compass.  Like
the last room, you'll have to eliminate all the enemies in this room to open
the exit going to the left and the exit going down.  Go down.  Now, like the
last room, you need to kill all the enemies to open the door up (that door
being the only exit.)  The enemies in this room should be easy, but watch out.
They have the ability to move over deep water (wow...)  Kill em all and let
god sort 'em out.  The chest contains a small key, which complements your
small penis.  If you don't have a penis...then why the hell are you playing
video games?

Go up, and unlock the door to your right.  Unfortunately, that will kinda
screw you up, as the next room had a locked door in it.  Follow the guide,
it's right, you're wrong.  You're going to get screwed.  Anyways, go left a
screen, and then go right (on upper path.)  Keep going right until the path
ends, then get the chest.  You get the stone beak because you suck.  Plain
and simple.  Now, go left a screen, then go up.  Keep going up until you come
across a dead end (it has an end!)  Remove the map from the treasure chest's
custody, and go down.  Do a long jump (peagasus and feather) across the chasm
and exit right.  Bomb the brick that's all cracked and old, and discard it
like Corporate America does.  Then, push the nice, new block into the depths,
which, ironically, is just like Corporate America.  Open the chest and get a
key.  Go up two, and get the key.  Again...

Now, go back to the room with the locked door.  Heh, now you got PLENTY of
keys!  Anyways, go up screens until you go forward, and unlock the block (not
Marin's chasity belt.)  Go left.  Kill both red slimes, and a key will drop
into the left pit.  That was pointless.  Go down, jump over the deep water,
and go left.  At these times, don't you wish Link had brought his floaties?

Go left, and go left again.  Remember this place, as you'll have to come back.
Go up, and open the chest to get your very own slime.  He's not housebroken,
so you'll have to put him down.  Lethal inject him with your sword.  Go up,
and go right (we'll solve the puzzle later.)  Open the chest in this room
to get a small key.  Go left, down, down, right, right, up, up, and unlock the
door.

Basically, you have to kill the miniboss in this room by hitting the back part
of his head.  He's quite easy, and if you fail, then...you suck major balls.

Teleporter...these are pretty useless, aren't they?  Go up, and pull the
handle back ALL the way.  Run to the left before the blocks close and exit
(this can be quite hard, because of the gay ass specter they put right in line
with the easiest path.  Open up the chest, and you'll get Zora's Flippers!
That means you can swim.  I guess Link wanted everyone to think he was super
gay when he swam...that's where the flippers come in.

Exit down.  This new enemy is kinda liked an armored mole.  Kill them by
hitting their unprotected backs  Solve this puzzle by walking on the sparkling
panels (this will open up the door behind you. but you have to solve a puzzle
like this anyways...so...)  Go down, and SWIM (SWIM!!!!) right.  Go right
another screen, and go down the stairs.  Get the key from the side-scrolling
level, and get back up.  Once you're back in the dungeon, go left, go down,
and left to pick up a chest containing a fifty rupee prize.  Now, go down,
left, up, and up again.  Hit the panels on the floor just as you did before,
and it'll open up a staircase.  Run past the Thwomps and at the end, trick the
thwomp and jump on his back.  Then, go up the stairs.  Back in the dungeon, go
down, and claim your nightmare key.  Now, go up, jump down the cliff and go
right, and hit the button to go up.  Use your final remaining small key (yep,
I bet you got alot of small things in that tunic.) and go down the stairs.
Once you're out, go left, and go up.  Go down the stairs, and go down again.

BOSS:

EASY.  Get close, and kick his ass.  FUCK HIM UP.

Get the Surf Harp, and leave the dungeon.

NOTE:  There's a chest left in the dungeon.  It contains 50 rupees, get it if
it sexually pleases you to.

Now that you're outside, you may want to go left.  Inside here, you'll learn
Manbo's song from Manbo, the coolest fish on the island.  The song will let
you go to Crazy Tracy's house (the hell?) whenever you need to get your hearts
fill, or your nut off...whatever comes first.

Go right two screens, and go into the cave.  Dive around a little bit (it's
in the lower half of the screen) to get a heart piece.  You'll get a new heart
container, to hold heart kinda stuff in it!!!  Yep.

Go back to Mabe Village.  On your way...you'll pick up a ghost.  While it's
cool for a little bit, you gotta ditch it before that noise drives you CRAZY.

From the library, go down, down, down, right, right, right, right, right...
until you get to a treasure chest and two rocks.  Lift the rocks, go down, and
get into the house.  It'll look around, talk in choppy english, and make you
wonder WHAT THE POINT WAS.  Go back to the cemetary (down three screens from
Crazy Tracy's house) and go to the single grave.  The ghost will leave you,
but something more sinister will join you.

Yep, listen to that drunk owl ramble on...and on...and on....  It's pretty
sad that he's the most developed character in the game, isn't it?  Anyways,
go back to the house where you returned the ghost.  Go right, up, right, down,
and get the secret seashell from the island (it's in the bush.)  Go up, then
right, and chop down the bush to get another shell.  Don't you feel these
developers are running out of ideas?

Anyways, go left, up twice, then go into the water.  Go right, and dive under
the shoals.  Dive where there's a shoal recessed between two shoals.  If you
knew what recessed is, you must be smarter than the average reader!

Ok, now you're inside Catfish's Maw.  Basically, you have another linear,
boring dungeon to look forward to.  If that makes you turned on...keep
reading!  I like people like you!  Go left, and then left again.  It's another
no-brainer kill everything room here.  Do just that.  The door on the left
will open, and you better go through it.  The chest inside contains a compass,
and it might be smart to get it.  Go down the stairs, and get through the
sidescolling level (the puzzle inside should be pretty easy.)

In this room, your compass will go off, signaling that there's a key inside.
Destroy the crystal and the enemies in the room, and push the two outward
blocks together so they make a square.  Once you get the key, go left.
Memo rize this room...it's known as skull room four (accoridng to my strange
perverted mind, but that's a whole different story...no it's not...)  Go back
to the room with the locked door, and rub up against it so it can take no more
and opens up to your small...key.  From here, go up, and kill all the enemies
in the room.  Then, go up again.

You have to fight Sir Chicken Shit here.  Kill him by hitting him with your
sword, plant a bomb, and repeat.  After you do this three times, he'll run
away.  How gay is that?!  Go right.

Open the chest and get pissed.  Evidentally, the miniboss has taken the item
in the chest.  That means that we're going to have to come after him, kill
him, and his immediate family before the day ends.  Go up, and push the block
forward.  Go left (be careful to avoid the spectre in such close quarters.)
Go left, and go up.  Go up again, and kill the slime that pops up through the
floor.  Now, go back to the room that you have to push the blocks.  Push it
forward, and step on the switch.  Go up, and go back down to reset the blocks
Go right, and face Master Staloser again.  Once you defeat this pussy, get out
and go up.  Jump arcoss the chasm to get to the chest (peagasus + roc to long
ump.)  Inside is a fifty rupee prize (guess Nintendo wants to compensate the
$25 dollars you spent by giving you digital rupees in unexplored dungeons.)
Get back onto the main path, and go up.  Go left, and kill the slime and go up
to face Masterbater Stalfos again.  Go left, and get the chest to finally get
a friggin' map!

Now, go back to the skull room four (if you've forgotten, here's a hint:
remember) and finally put Master Stalfuck to rest.  Kill him and you get a
hookshot.  Was this the extension you were looking for?  Get out, and get back
to the room that had the locked door.  Go right, and use the hookshot on the
chest to swing over.  You'll get a 200 rupee chest, which should max out your
rupee count (if you don't, stop bying weed, man!)  Go left, go up, kill every
living thing in the room, and go left.  Kill all (kill kill kill!) and get the
beak.  Don't these things look alot like dildos?  Go right, then up, then
right.  Use the hookshot to rocket across the pits and avoid the spikes.  Go
left (upper path) and hookshot over to the chest.  Get the small key, and get
out and go right.  Use your hookshot to pull the bridge over (right...) and
go up.  Go right, and face the mini-mini boss.

Use the hookshot when the spider's eye opens.  If it starts to shake, it's
going to dash at you, so it might be best to be on the move when it does this.
Five hook hits will get him hooked and die.  Always knew Link was a hooker.
Kill em both and be god.  Exit lower right, go down twice, go right, up, up,
right, up, up.  Jump or hook over the chasm, and go upper right.  Hook over
the chasm and get the small key in the chest.  Now, go up, and get the fifty
rupee chest...to say you GOT IT...Now, we gotta find the Nightmare Key.  If
you recall (you don't though, you're stupid) when we went on that slime
killing trip, the screen below that one had a deep patch of water in it.  Go
back there, and dive in the middle.  Go through the side-scrolling level and
emerge from the depths.  Hook the bridge, and walk over to the key.  It's now
yours!

Let's get to the nightmare, so we can screw him up BIG TIME.  Go to the mini-
mini boss room and go right.  Go down the stairs and go through the side
scrolling level.  Once you get back to good ol' Zelda action, unlock the
block and hook over the chasm.  Go left, and open the door to give the moron
in here the severest beating of his life.

BOSS:

At the beginning of the fight, his tail will break through the floor.  You'll
have to avoid it - there's nothing you can do about it.  When he sticks his
head out, hook him to pull him out.  Hit his heart (you can get multiple hits!
EASY!!!!!!!!!)  Near the end of the fight, he'll do a trick where you'll pull
out something that looks like him, but it'll move around and explode.  Just
remember, the real boss is the one that has a heart.  Kill this pussy and get
a heart.

Go up and get the Wind Marimba.

(Stuff to do.  DO IT, MAN!  Get the bow, you should be able to afford it.
Also, trade in your hibiscus to the goat lady in Animal Village.  You can find
this weirdo in one of the houses.  Also, you could go on a seashell hunt or
heart piece hunt, but that's up to you.  You go, little dude!)

Link is the big man, the master pimp ho!  You're more than half-way done, kick
ass!  Ok, from the Catfish's Maw, you'll want to go up, right, up, right (you
are still in the water, beach boy) up, up, right, and have a little chat with
the owl.  After you've been pissed off, go up, and climb on to ground.  Go
right now.

You're in a maze right now, which you should be able to manage.  So, my dear
friend...do it yourself.  You'll get there easily enough.  OH, btw, to get the
stone knights to move, you'll have to touch them.  No, you don't have to
jerk them off, but if you were too, you might even get the most stubborn
knights to move.  Yep, I got a bag full of jokes like this.

MINIBOSS:

Yep, you're inside the shrine (yes, you're there, don't argue.)  This is the
big daddy of all stone knights.  You can beat this hoe by dashing at him with
your peagasus boots.  This is a hard boss actually, and this boss gets my
respect.  That's a hard thing to earn, and the cool music just kicks ass.

He'll drop a face key, which is butt-ugly.  Go into the next room, and
sprinkle some of your magic, happy powder on the lanters to magically light
them.  Go to the pretty cave painting (painted by Ugg the Thug) and read it.

Basically, this tells you what's really up in this fucked up place.  I mean,
animals and gay bosses, you know something is seriously wrong.  So, your quest
is to awake the Wind Fish, or basically dream forever.  Hey, but if it's a wet
dream, who cares, right?  Leave this funk place, and meet up with the owl and
have a posse.  Basically, he narrates this in a way that a first grader could
understand: Wake up the Wind Fish.

Time to find the dungeon.  You should recall while swimming an island with two
stone knights.  Go there, and arouse the left statue.  Kill it, and go down
the stairs.  Get through the cave (two screens, pretty straightforward.)  Once
you're out, go up a screen on the rightmost path, unlock the door, and go
inside.

Face shrine...why the hell is it called a Face Shrine?  Even if the name IS
stupid and oddly placed, go left a screen.  In this screen, you have to fight
some wizards of the coasts, except that they're actually from the mainland,
and are fat, and poor.  Kill them by placing a bomb where they reappear.
Kill all three of them, then go up (rightmost path) and get a 50 rupee prize.

Go back into the wizard room, go up (left!), go up again, and go left.  Notice
the crystal in this room, and set it off with a bomb (you want to be able to
to the rightmost upper path.  Go up, and bomb the portion of the wall where
the path leads to.  In this next room, kick all ass, even if you can't see a
thing.  Once you're the only thing left standing, a staircase will appear and,
naturally, you should go down it.  Get through the side-scroll level (nothing
tough.)  Now that you've got out of the tunnel, kill the snake and the two
wizards (the wizards are near the lower right corner of the room.)  You will
unlock the door, and you should know the drill.

In this next room, open the chest and get the SINGLE MOST EASIEST DUNGEON
SPECIFIC ITEM OUT THERE.  This is a Level 2 Power Bracelet, which still
means diddly squat.  It helps you get through this level, but that's about it.
If you're low on life, go get the fairy that's under the pot.  Once you've
boosted your ego, go up.  You're back in the crystal room!  Take the elephant,
and smash it against the closed door on the right.  It'll open, go through it.
Get the one hundred rupee prize  (joy, more crappy play money) and go back.

Place a bomb at the crystal, and run to the uppermost path and get it up...the
blocks.  In this room (you've been here, no mind) lift the pot that's in the
corner and push the switch beneath it.  You'll open the door, and be very,
very happy.  Go left, and have fun with this room, heh.  Kill the first two
wizards that you have immediate access to, then throw a bomb to the last
wizard's posistion.  When all three are dead, god decides that you kick major
booty, and he'll give you a map.  Praise the lord, hallejuiah!  Cash or credit
accepted!

JUST LOOK AT THAT MAP!  SEE HOW MUCH TROUBLE IT IS FOR ME TO WRITE FAQS!

Go up, and then go right.  Take the stone beak from the chest, which is
useless...but it's perdy.  Go left, take a pot, and throw it at the door in
your youthful anger and rage.  It'll open, proving that throwing things can
be productive, after all.  Go up, and go right.  Take the compass fromn the
chest, which tells you all kinds of compass things!  Like...direction.

Hit the crystal, and take the path that exits to your down.  Follow it until
you get to a room full of raisable pillars.  Yes, this is the uber room of
raisable pillars.  Kill both of the wizards (they're located in the "eyes" of
this puzzle) and a small key will drop from the ceiling.  RIGHT...Take the
path back to the stone beak, and go left to get baked.

Take the elephant statue, and throw it against the door and make it open.  Go
through there, and go up.  In the chest is a one hundred rupee prize, but
hey...now that I've bought everything, why do I need it?  Hmm....anyways, if
you want a secret seashell, go up above ground, and get the chest on the
island.  To get back out of this room, you have to throw the horseheads until
they both end facing up.  Man...that's pretty gay.  Now, go back ALL THE way
to the starting point.  You can do it man, you can do it.

Now that we're back at the entrance, go right.  This next room requires no
effort, you're not a retarted monkey searching for strange sex.  Just walk
through it.  Go right, and sit through the possessed tile thing.  Just hold
your shield, or swing your sword.  It doesn't matter, though...this is easy!
Once the floor is done exacting it's revenge on you stepping all over it, go
up.

Here, just throw the elephant statue at the door on the right to make it open.
In case you haven't noticied, this hseems to be the theme of this level...
throw something big at something small and make the small thing work.  Wish
that worked for me.

Go right, and you'll have fun dealing with four wizzards.  Kick all of their
pasty white asses (arrow, bomb, anything!) and all three doors will open!
What is a gamer to do?  The gamer needs to go down.  Literally.

The pillars should be blocking the staircase that led to the chest you last
saw, right?  Get on top of the ledge in the lower left corner, and jump onto
the pillars.  Jump onto the pillar that is blocking the stair, and volia!  I
can now speak French!

Follow the path, and get the secret medicine in the chest.  If you already
have it...well, that was a waste.  Jump down, and go up.  Take the canal and
go up two screens, and open the chest.  Inside is a small key...you were
missing these things, weren't you?  Well, you should remember where that
locked door was, so why don't you mosse on down and open it up!  And, of
course, go through it.

In this room, kill the two red slimes first (the torches will shoot at you
if you don't.)  Now, poke around the north wall and find the weak point.
There's a bomb under the pot if you need it.  Now, place a bomb, wait, it will
explode, and the wall will crumble!  My teacher calls this "cause and effect."
Bomb+wall=pathway .  Makes perfect senes to me.

Miniboss time, yes!  See, Nintendo had a hard boss lined up, but when little
Timmy cried when it beat him, they replaced it with this fuckwit.  It throws
the ball at you.  You throw the ball on it's head.

Man, that's pretty gay.

Kill him, and you'll get TWO fairies.  That's pretty cool, don't you think?
Go up a screen, and lift the left elephant to reveal a stairway.  Go down it,
go through another amazingly easy sidescrolling level, and emerge from the
depths of easydom.  The floor has that urge to hurt you again in this room,
so be prepared for the floor.  If you don't watch out, it might just smack you
in the face!  When the floor has finally died and went to mortar heaven, go
up.  Throw the elephant at the door, and exit left.  Do the horsehead puzzle,
and after the 50,000 try, the door will open, permitting your exit left.  Go
down the stairs, and since you know what I'll say next, we'll meet you at the
end of the tunnel.

Pols Voice!  We haven't seen this lagomorph in a while!  Show your sentiment
by wiping the happy couple and their baby boy off the face of the planet.  Go
up, work your way through the screen (those specters are annoying as hell!)
and go up.  You should know the deal with crystals, so lower the pillar so
you can get to the chest.  Get the 200 rupee prize.

Seriously, what's up with all these rupee prizes!  I had 968 rupees when I got
this!

Get out of this room, via horsehead.  Go down two screens, and face a familiar
miniboss.

These guys are the same as before.  Lay the bomb, blow 'em up.  Once you've
vanquished them, go left.  Hookshot across the canyon, and stick your key into
that big bloke...er...block.  Go up two screens, and do the teenage rage
spirit thingy!  Throw the pot at the chest, and get the nightmare key.  Ok,
time to kick some nightmare ass.

See, I would have written directions to the nightmare's lair, but guess what!
Daily Show with Jon Stewart comes on in 8 minutes!  Sorry!!!!!

Another day, another faggoty ass boss to fight.  Survive his tiles (use your
shield and block them all) and his pots...they're possessed, I guess.  Then,
throw five bombs at him.  His attacks are really, really, really lame.
Opening random pits?  COME ON!  LAME!  Pussy alert!  Pussy alert!

Get your heart, and the Coral Triangle.  DAILY SHOW TIME, adios!

From the shrine, go down, and have the owl narrate the next objective in a
way only a four yearold could understand.  Fly like a bird...heh.  Anyways,
we need to get a new song.  So, make the trek over to the Mabe Village warp
portal, and from there, go down,left, down.  Jump over the pits here, and go
down.  Now, we've got a sign maze on our hands!

In order to do this right, you have to do exactly what the sign tells you.
So, if the sign tells you to go left, you go directly left until you reach a
sign.  That's how this little game works, and if you can't play the game,
don't wear the fancy pants.

To start, look at the sign on the plain that's not next to a pit.  It will
tell you to go right.  Can you do this?  Don't be a retarted monkey now, just
do it!  Go directly right, and stop when the sign is basically in your face.
The sign will tell you to go down.  Go down to the sign that has a bush in
front of it (this bush is an enemy, fuck him up!), and read it.  The sign will
tell you go go left.  Hookshot over the chasm, lift the rock, and get a good
telling off from the sign.  Now, hookshot over the chasm (there's only one way
to do it now) and go up.  Look at the sign in the grass, and go right.

PAGE BREAK!  Go right, and the next sign will tell you to go down.  Just do
what it says...you're wrong.  Go down, look at the sign, then go right, and
look at the sign with a rock next to it (not the one in front of it, or you'll
be told you are a loser, and get your ass kicked).  Go up, look at the sign,
go left, look at the sign on the plain (next to the hole) then go down and
look at the sign on the water.  Almost done. Go right, and look at the sign
with the rock next to it.  Go down, and look at the sign with the rock in
front of it.  It will tell you to go left, go left a screen, and look at the
sign next to the tree.  Doing so will open a passageway, which you should go
down.

Yo!  It's Mr. T, frog style!  Run before he kicks your ass!  Actually, he's
not.  I can't back that up.

Talk to him (evidentally he's Mamu) and he'll ask for 300 smackers of your
play money.  Then...you will listen to the worst FUCKING SONG IN HISTORY.
I mean, that fish guy gave you an awsome sounding piece, and it was FOR FREE.
This dick has the nerve to charge you for something that sounds like it came
out their ass!

Go back to Mabe Village, and go to the "town square."  Push the statue back,
and you'll get access to never-before seen Zelda porn!  No.  Actually, it's
just a staircase.

Go down, and go up a screen.  Play the song Mamu taught you, and you'll bring
it back to life!  It's a blue rooster!  BLUE!  If you pick it up, you can fly,
although it's kinda glitchy.  For example, you can't fly over something that
you could normally jump over, and you can't go to another screen while holding
the rooster.  But...it's BLUE!

Do you know where the staircase to the windfish is?  Better find it...anyways
from there take a right, and go up.  You should remember this place from the
thrid dungeon.  If you don't, then you're crazy stupid.  This level actually
IS confusing, so here's how we're going to do this.  From the cave, go inside,
go past the chest in the cave, and go down.  Now that you're outside, go right
three screens, then take the stairs up the screen.  From here, go left a
screen, and go inside the cave.  Push the blocks in the "diagonal" land form
so that you can have access up.  Get the rooster, and fly over the huge chasm.
That's the bird key...it's the last key you'll ever have to get.  That should
make you very, very happy.

Go back down the stairs, and go right.  Go into the cave.   If you want to get
a secret seashell, bomb the portion of the wall that has a dry tile next to
it.  If not, just continue out the tunnel.  NOTE: In order to get all five
chests in that room (only applies if you have gone up) you must not open any
and exit downward.  Go back inside, and the puzzle now can be solved.  Each
chest has 20 rupees in it, meaning that you can a...shitty 10 rupees for
your effort!

Now that you're out of the tunnel (don't argue with me biatch!) go right, and
enter the tunnel.  Follow the path until it has its logical end.  You're going
to die too, just REMEMBER THAT.  Once you're out, exit left, and go back in
the cave again.  Go up the staircase, and jump across the chasm.  Go up onto
the path that exits right, and keep following it (leave the shelled moles
alone, they cannot be killed here!)  Hookshot across the chasm at the end of
the path, then jump down to the exit.

Blow apart the rubble to get yourself into a fairy spring.  Of course, if you
could actually play video games, then you wouldn't be needing one of those...
Anyways, once you're done messing around and loving around, go into the upper-
most cave and follow it until you're back outside.  Heh, skull, I'd like to
see THAT happen (in case you didn't know, Ultima hasn't died once on his game
yet =)

Go left, and stick your knobby key into the rock.  You'll be given access to
the dungeon, and you're going to go into the only originally crafted dungeon
in the game.  Hey, the dungeon even turns to face you!  Now that's a first
impression...better than my gay neighbor that blows his yard every day with
his leaf blower...and his yard is made up of rocks!  I mean, what's up with
that?

Go right, jump over the spikes (it is impossible to walk over them, even if
they are down.  Now that's shitty programming) and go right.  In this room,
proceed to kick ALL ASS and get a key for your ass kicking abilities.  God
appreciates the fact that you're taking care of all his mistakes...

Unlock the door, and go through it.  Since there's a staircase, it's probably
a very good idea to go up it...use the handrail!  Once you're onto the second
floor, go up.  Now, in this room, take the metal ball (heh, metal balls...
that just struck a memory of a Conker's Bad Fur Day preview) and put in a
place that it easily reached.  Now, this room is hard to get through, but it's
possible.  Pull the lever all the way, then grab the ball, and dash for the
exit.  This is tricky, and you may have to do it a few times before you are
successful.  Pick up the ball, and go on to the next room.  Notice how the
ball follows you...this is good.  Drop the ball on the ground, then fall down
the pit.  Go left twice, go down, and open the chest to get a stone beak.

Now...go up, right, right, right.  Hit the crystal, and go up, left and go up
the stairs.  Now, let's have fun sexually harassing the horse heads!  Get the
map from the chest, it's very happiness and coo.  Go down, and throw the ball
at the bar!  DO IT!  Bring down the house!!!  Once the pillar has fallen, go
and walk with your ball all the way down to the next screen.

You know, it's a good thing that I can KNOW that when I walk into the next
room, I'll still have my balls.

I've been playing this game, and I need to stop...but I'm not going to...

God damn it...

Take the ball, and smash it against this pillar.  It'll fall!  That's what
happens...Anyways, pick up your ball, go down the next screen, and throw your
ball over the rail.  Now, go up, and fall down one of the chasms to go down
to the first floor.  Go right, down, up (left path) and go up the stairs.  If
you haven't done anything screwy with the crystal, the pillars will be down.
Go get the treasure chest...it's a mirror shield!

Go down, and go left (remember this room, you'll want to unlock the block
later, that's why the game designers put it there.)  Pick up your ball, and go
into the next room.  Align the penguins both physically and spiritually to
make the chest appear.  Unfortunately, you can only look at it.  Damn you
Nintendo!  Go left, and fuck up this previously encountered mini-blowoff.
Take in account, however, that this guy is slightly stronger, and has a
dash and throw attack than his flesh-colored counterpart.  Also, the torches
will be firing some fireballs (four torches in all) and that can make this
easy boss kinda challenging.  A key will drop from God, and it's your duty to
pick it up.

(If you want a secret seashell, fall in one of the pits that are on the left
side of the room.  You'll drop down, and you'll land on the overpass.  Walk on
this until you can walk no further because a chest is blocking your way.  Yes,
that's the chest.  To get back where you were, you'll have to hit a crystal to
get the pillars to go back down...)

Anyways, go up two, survive the possessed tile room while holding the ball,
and go left.  Throw the ball on the pillar, and take that fucker down!  Now
that we've had fun doing that, put a bomb inbetween the two torches on the
south wall.  Go down, bomb the south wall again, and hookshot over to the
chest to get...A BOMB!  What kinda shit is this???

Here's the bad news.  You gotta throw the ball over the side with the squares,
and that means you gotta do it yourself.  DO IT!  Anyways, anilihate the final
pillar and see a little cutscene with the tower collapsing in on a story.

Ok, let's get a key before getting on to the third story...remember the room
that had the mirror shield in it?  Fall through the single pit, and follow the
path up and claim the chest.  Now, onto the third floor (from the mirror
shield, go down and left to get to the room with the staircase leading to the
third floor.)

In this room, the pillars are down (yes, they are!  And if they're not, you
know what to do...) and from here, go up and left.  Meet this fruitcake...he's
very very very easy.  Just hold your shield up, and keep slashing, and all the
bats will be dead before you can say "Dead Alive."

Go up, and in this room, push the two blocks together (be wary of the spectre
circling the right blcok) and claim the nightmare key.  There is also a
crystal in this room, and you'll need to hit it.  Now, go down, left, left,
and up to unlock the door.  Go up, then right, then solve the horsehead puzzle
to get some secret medicine!  Yeah!

Now, go left and down.  Go up on the raised platform and hookshot yourself
across the canyon.  Go down, left, and up the stairs, and face the boss!

BOSS:

Seems like that little dick miniboss wants more of you, and he'll call his gay
bird friend to get revenge.  Now, since we're fighting on a platform, if you
fall off, you'll have to start over.  Now, the way to beat this guy is to
always have your shield on.  For the first three or so times you hit him,
he'll just fly over you.  Attack while he's flying, and you should easily
hurt him without taking any damage.  Now, he'll change to his swoop attack,
which is a little bit harder to to connect to that his glide attack.  Just
slice up, though, and you'll hit hit 99.99% of the time.  There is only one
move that you should watch out for, and that is when he's flapping his wings.
This can push you off the edge, as well as damage you.  In order to counter-
attack this, hold your shield up, and move towards him, while having your base
posistion in the middle.  This boss actually has a loger life-span of most of
the bosses, and it'll take about 11 hits to kill him.  Peace out.

Get your heart container, go back down into the dungeon, jump right, and get
the Organ of Evening Calm.

That organ didn't sound like any organ I've heard before...sounded like a
flute, didn't it?

Oh, great, I am the biggest numbnut in history, I just deleted the section
where you go and trade for the ocarina, and the path to Turtle Rock...but in
light of my stupidness, YOU get to do it on your own.  To get to Turtle Rock,
go to the Chicken House, and work your way from there.  I'm tired, and I'm
going to bed, this really really really made me pissed.

Now it's morning, and, looking at this, I'm STILL pissed.

From the entrance (hopefully you got there) go up, and you'll face a kind of
demon.  He can't dish out too much, but then again, this guy doesn't follow
any collision rules, and can even move off of your screen.  Dodge or destroy
the orbs he shoots, and charge up for a spin attack.  When he finally gets fed
up with his other attack, he'll charge, and then you'll want to release it.
About three or four hits will do it.  Go right.  In this room, dodge the two
spectres, and lift the pot that's in the "L"in the bubbling lava.  Press the
switch to release the doors.  There's also happy powder in the room, and you
know you want it...go down.

In this room, you're facing those weird bean enemies again that you faced
while getting the ocarina.  Spin attack them while crabwalking to get them to
come close...and KILL them.  Remember, if they touch you, your health really
goes down....  Once both are vanquished, take the stairs down to a
side-scrolling level which is all too easy.  Once you're back in the dungeon,
you'll find that in this room the south door is closed.  Lift the jar (there's
only one in this room...) and push the switch to open the door.  Miniboss
time!

You've faced this guy before, and alll you have to do is hit him with the
ball.  He's the same exact guy as before, and three hits will kill him for
good.  Go down a screen.  The chest in this room holds a stone beak, which
is gay, but you know you like gay....  To get out of this room, kill all the
snakes in this room, and the door will magically open!  Go down the stairs,
and go once again through a side-scrolling level.  When you're out, find the
crack in the wall, and bomb it.  Now, in this next room, push the blocks in
such a way that you can get to the chest (you should know the age-old drill
with three blocks and pushing them...)  Anyways, inside the chest is a map,
which will tell you all sorts of mappy things!

Let's go back to the mini-boss room, shall we?  Seems like he's back for more,
so give him more!  Go left.  Push the "cake" looking block and it will begin
to move.  You can actually control it, and every tile it moves over will be
replaced by solid ground.  Make the whole room solide ground, and you'll get a
key!  Once you make your pathway, go left.  Jump over the lava and get...a
slime!  YEAH!  Go left three screens.  Strong man kill ALL!

Go up, and beat this familiar miniboss's ass!  Get him in a corner and hack
him off.  Once you've killed him for the...third time, go left, and go down,
via use of the cake block.  The chest in this room is a fifty rupee prize, get
it if you want to put your bum on a man.  Go left, and beat this guy's ass
as well.  KICK ASS!!!  Miniboss's are just so fun to fuck up, aren't they?

Yes, they are.

Go up, and kill the demon just like you did before, and God drops a key.
Thanks, we're all a fan of your work!  Go down two screens, and get the
compass from the chest.  Compass!  Go back to the  first demon room, YES!  I'm
gonna make you walk all the way back by yourself!  When you're back, go up,
left, and push the cake block to the right.  Go right a screen, and find the
weak point in the east wall.  Bomb it, and hit the crystal (there's also a
weak point in the south wall of the crystal room as well.)  Go back to the
cake room by whatever means you choose, and push the cake block
inbetween the two blocks at the top.  Push the right one into the lava, and go
up.  Unlock the block, go right, and unlock the door.  Oh no, you don't have
any more keys!  Poor baby...

Go right, and if you're low on arrows, bombs, whatever, go up the stairs, and
go to where it leads you.  If you're perfectly content on being the badass you
are now, go up.  Kill all the slimes in the room, and go up again (we'll be
going back here, however.)

Now, in the next room, you need to kill two mummies while standing on less-
than-stable ground.  You should be able to do it, though, and a key will be
sent on air-mail right to your dungeon floor.  How sweet!  Go left, and kill
the recycled mini-boss in THAT room...you'll get a chest on the pathway if you
do, so do it!  You know you're dying to find out what's in that chest!  If you
want secret medicine, go left and up, and hookshot over the chasm to get the
chest.  However, this means you'll have to do a little backtracking...

And we're going to do just that!  From the exit of the side-scrolling level,
go up, and bomb the block on the west wall (with your bomb being under it.)
You'll reveal a passage.  Go, and unlock the block.  Go left, kill all, go
left, and light the room with...love.  Find the crack in the wall on the west
side, and bomb it to reveal yet ANOTHER passage.  Go left, and jump over the
lava.  Shoot an arrow at the one-eyed statue, and a key will drop.  You know
you want that key.  Go left, and push the blocks in a way so that you can get
another lil' key.  YES!  I got two keys, I got two keys, I got two keys, hey
hey hey hey!  Go right, and go up.  If you want some more worthless play
money, kill everything in the room, go left, and go back right on the raised
platform.  Else, go up the stairs.

Hey, we're outside again!  Pick up that heart piece, go right, and if you feel
like it, activate that warp portal.  If not, go right, and enter the dungeon
through the cave.  Guess where you are?  You have to kill the enemy by
throwing bombs from above.  This is quite easy, actually, and all you need is
a little patience.  I guess that's what that warp point was for (to buy
yourself some more bombs.)  Anyways, the chest holds a small key.  You have
three keys now!  Yes!  Go left, and make life easier on yourself by unlocking
the door.  Go left, down, and right.  Unlock the block (heh) and hookshot over
the canyon.  Unlock that block, and go through the sidescroll level.  Once
you're out, go down.

Hey, what's this?  A boss that is moderately difficult?  ALL the bosses should
have been like this...anyways, this guy has some nice attacks going for him.
His punches do moderate damage, but you'll need to watch out when he's winding
up.  If he connects, you'll get dazed, and then he'll do this "super windup
punch" that knocks you to the back of the level.  You'll want to do spin
attacks on this guy.  Four will bring this guy down.  You can get him on the
back, or if you want an unorthodox method, take some damage and move inside
him and execute the spin attack.  When he's dead, a portal will open, and you
can go and claim the final special item, the Magic Rod.  Seems Nintendo's
translators are made up of pyro's...

Go left three screens, then go down.  Remember this room?  Light both torches
with your magic rod and get the small key from the chest.  Go down (forgot...
you can get a twenty rupee prize in this room if you fill the gaps with the
cake block...but do you really want twenty rupees?)  Anyways, get back to the
first demon room.  Go up, left, and push the cake block in a way so the path
leads to the stairs in the room.  Solve the ice puzzles (very easy!) and go
through the side scrolling level.  Unlock the door in this screen, go left,
and face another hapless recycled mini-boss just waiting to get his ass
kicked.  Go up, and get the nightmare key by filling in the crevice.  Now,
it's time to kick this monkey's ass.

Go back to the first demon room (yes!) and go up, left, and push to the
exposed path on the right.  Go up the stairs, have fun with the ice block
puzzles (the second one is only slightly easy, not smack you in the face easy)
and unlock the door on the other side to face the final nightmare.

BOSS:

Use your fire rod and hit the flame.  His flame will go out, and then you hit
him with the rod again.  VERY easy.  The boss has a high HP, though, so it's
going to take a couple hits with the rod before he breaks apart and you see
his "true" self.  Just keep doing what you're doing and you'll kill this wuss.\

Get the Heart Piece (it practically falls on you) and go up to get the Thunder
Drum.  KICK ASS!

We have to "tie" a few loose ends before we can go to the final boss.  We're
going to have to trade that broom (you should have a broom) to the old lady in
Animal Village.  Then, you're going to have to trade the hook she gives you
to the man under the bridge (south of Animal Village), and you trade the
necklase you get to the Mermaid close by for a scale.  Then go back to the
bridge, hookshot over the canyon, and put the scale in the Mermaid Staute.
Go inside and claim the magnifying glass.

Alright, we need to visit the library.  Read the book in the lower-right
corner, and it'll tell you some directions.  You will want to write these
down, as they seem to be randomly generated.  These are the directions to get
to the final boss inside the Wind Fish's egg.  Now, let's go to the windfish's
egg.  Play Marin's song, and hear all eight instruments of the sirens play.
Then...the egg explodes!  Literally!  The owl will tell you to go in (what a
dumbass...) and he'll stay perched on the egg, and his retarted theme song
will play.  Just go in!

Go up, and fall in the pit.  Now, it's time to use the directions you have.
If, at any time, you feel like you've screwed up, just go down.  You'll appear
at the entrance.  When you've followed the directions correctly, you'll appear
at a pit.  Fall down it.

FINAL BOSS:

!!!  This is it, the final boss, the final nightmare.  It's time to prove that
no stinkin' dream can beat this badass elf!  When he turns into a blob,
sprinkle some of your happy magic powder on him.   Do this three times, and
Dethyl will change into Aga...however you spell it...anyways, he's from
Zelda 3.  You can use the sword or shield here, and you can hurt him by
deflecting his magic shot at you.  Three hits, and this form is done for.
His next form you'll recognize; it's the snake form from the first dungeon.
Hit his tail thirteen times, and that form his history.  Now, he'll take the
form of Ganon (Zelda 3...again!)  Here, instead of silver arrows, we're going
to be using peagasus boots.  About eight hits (I'm guessing here) and then
he'll change to this spectre kind of form.  ONE hit from the magic rod and
he's a toasty critter.  Now, it's time to face his FINAL form.  This form is
VERY cheap.  He has two swinging arms that are almost impossible to avoid.
When his single eye opens up, shoot a whole bunch of arrows into it.  You WILL
win eventually, you can do this.  After about...15?  Anyways, the fact is,
shooting arrows into his eye is what's going to do it, and he'll disappear for
good.

Congratualtions!  You beat this crap-tastic game!  Climb up the stairs to
victory!  Turns out the Owl was the Wind Fish all along (heh, you probably
knew that, though.)   And yes, the graphics you will see are really really
really good!

OH!  I beat the game with no deaths, and that winged Marin...it's not exactly
that.  Heh, shows how many people can actually do that...anyways, you see a
nicely drawn picture of Marin's face...and then you see a seagull flying.
The face fades out in transparency (thanks to the nice GBC transparency
effects) and then you get a message from the development team saying:

"The development team would like to thank you for playing!"

As far as I know, there is nothing else that can be done when the black
screen that has the message comes up.  I have to say that, although my review
was harsh, this game was really fun, despite it's flaws.  I really didn't
enjoy making this guide though, heh!!!  Seriously, thanks for sticking with
me through the guide, and I really appreciate it that you read it.  If you
want to drop me a line, email me at dedmunds@prodigy.net .  This guide is
completly original, it was wriiten on my computer from start to finish, and
not ONE FAQ was used in making it.  Thanks!







/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

(4.1) FAQ

This is the FAQ, where you can send in questions about Zelda 4.  I'll try to
answer EVERY question, and it doesn't have to be Zelda-related!  BTW, if you
send in a letter, you can't bitch and moan if I give you a weird, strange,
homosexual, YOU GET IDEA, remark.  Send all your questions to:

dedmunds@prodigy.net

...nobody's sent me anything!  Screw you all!

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

(4.2) Glitches

Mandatory glitch section, and if you don't know what a glitch is, you're
screwed royally.  If you like making your game trippy and shit, then this is
your kinda place.  Send in a glitch, and I'll add it.

Posted by: Myself (Ultima9999)

While I was fighting the big stone knight, I started to run in place and
killed him in 5 seconds next to the door.  It was if I was stuck in his
sprite, but not taking any damage.  I was directly below the door, can anyone
recreate this?

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

(4.3) Weird Stuff

WEIRD, BENT STUFF, MAN!  If you see anything, well, you think that's weird in
Zelda: Link's Awakening, be sure to tell me!

Posted by: Myself (Ultima9999)

Using the save trick that you should know about (come on, it's legendary!), I
bought an arrow, then save-quit.  When I returned, my rupees read 666!
I know the world is evil, but do I really need my Zelda game to tell me this?
Weird, trippy stuff...trippy stuff...

Posted by: Myself (Ultima9999)

In the 7th dungeon, when you get the mirror shield, it appears as a yellowish
shield (DX...it'll appear grey in non color gameboys) and it will have the
level 1 appearance.  However, when used, it looks...different, like the mirror
shield in the other previous Zelda games.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

(5.1) Recommended Games


I lost my gameboy.  So, I made this crappy section up so you can have some fun
reading it. Recommend means nothing. So, here we go...

/Rating Scale/

Monkey!!! - The best of the best.  You just can't go wrong with a monkey.
KICK ASS! - Really good game.  Great in its own right.
Handsex   - Ok, but leaves you begging for more.
Pasty white hoe - Really scary.  People of the genre will like it's thighs...
No break... - You can take it back to the store and get money if it's intact.








------------------------
Vagrant Story          :
SQUARE                 :
Ultimameter:  Monkey!!!:
------------------------

This game is awsome.  Simply put, you're not suppossed to make a game this
great from a Playstation.  The graphics are simply supurb, and when I say
this, I mean it.  Every room is completly unique with many interesting
decorations.  However, the gameplay complemets the badass graphics.  It's
surprisingly deep, and requires the player to get better at this RPG, not the
character.   One must learn to succesfully chain combos, make weapons and
armor, and develop weapons.   While this may seem like nothing new, playing it
will show how intricate this is in practice.  The gameplay could be considered
a cross between Zelda and Parasite Eve.  This game takes the best of both
worlds and makes a game worth buying.  Vagrant Story is to Playstation as
Crono Trigger was to Super Nintendo.

--------------------------
Alundra                  :
Sony                     :
Ultimameter:  No break...: 
--------------------------

Alundra was released in 97, and back then, the graphics still sucked.  Alundra
is a Zelda clone more or less, with a little bit a mediocracy thrown in.  The
game itself is expertly translated by Working Designs (the same guys who brang
you Lunar:  Silver Star Story Complete) yet does little to help this game out.
While the game is completly made up of sprites, don't expect any hand drawn
backgrounds or sprites like Legend of Mana.  You're getting plain sprites here
that look like they could be drawn on a SNES.  The music is annoying and has
no memorable theme to it at all.  While the premise of Dreamwalking is nice,
the game overall is good for people that are die-hard fans of the genre.  Or,
just hard people...

------------------------
Zelda:  LttP           :
Nintendo               :
Ultimameter:  KICK ASS!:
------------------------

Yep, classic gaming here.  This SNES classic ranks in there as the best of the
best out there, and was really ahead of its time.  It comes packed with its
own orchestral score, and has an epic plot that is pretty good, even for a
Nintendo game.  The sprite graphics were good (for its time) and the sound,
as mentioned before, was great.  However, the gameplay made this game
memorable.  Eleven dungeons?  I haven't played this game in years, but if I'm
guessing there, then you know you've got a long way to go.  Great game, and
you can pick it up for dirt cheap at a used store.  Just don't make eye
contact with the pimple-faced kid.  They go wild.

------------------------------
Soulblazer                   :
Enix                         :
Ultimameter:  Pasty white hoe:
------------------------------

Soulblazer is stuck with annoying gameplay and rediculous concepts.  Go on a
quest to save mermaids?  The guy you control is like...stoned or something.
Plot is pretty much set in stone here, and the game itself has little
0character development.  Gameplay is...generic.  While it seems interesting to
release souls from monsters and build towns, it gets kinda stupid when you are
releasing tulips from dungeons.  What do I look like, a fairy?  Gimme a chick,
or a monkey with 6 asses, anything!  Just not a goddamn flower.  The music is
good, and there are some great tunes in it (my perspective only.)  Play it if
the concept sounds interesting.  But, it's not worth the effort.

------------------------
Metal Gear Solid       |
Konami                 |
Ultimameter:  Monkey!!!|
------------------------

This game kicks so much ass.  Man, it doesn't even belong in this FAQ, because
it's the assmaster.  Imagine Zelda with guns...imagine Zelda with espionage...
imagine Zelda with intricate plot...imagine Zelda with mature themes...and you
don't have Zelda anymore.  This game is awsome, pure and simple.  The quality
of the voice actng is second to none.  Gameplay is perfect and flawless.
Excellent.  Music kicks Michael Jackson in the nuts for no apparant reason.
It's that good (after all, who would dare get near to that queer?  Takes guts,
I'm telling you.)  You can get it for 19 bucks too, which makes this game
possibly the best value EVER.  Solid Snake is awsome.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

(5.2) Link's Awakening Review

I've had this game for over seven years, and most people regard it as a
classic.  I'm not so sure on that...

Graphics - 7/10

When it was first released, the game had nice graphics for its time.  Hell, it
still had nice graphics to overall gameboy standards.  With the DX version,
the game finally had green trees, and the dungeons breathed color for the
first time.  Although the DX version was nice, it did little to add to the
overall grahpics, except to color them.  Link still has the same animatoins,
and everything fits on a 'tile.'  There was also a surprisingly small
selection of graphics, and that begins to show when you see the same kind of
room for the 20th time.

What really made me subtract points here was the lack of originality in the
graphics.  Most everything graphic-wise has been seen in some shape or form
in other Zelda games, namely LttP.  And, most of the enemies that do appear
look low-quality.  Come on, get some originality!

Music - 4/10

Drab, repetitve, and standard.  While the Legend of Zelda tune is actually
quite good, things like cave music and dungeon music are simply annoying.
Nintendo, ambience cannot be done on a Game Boy, and repetitve music isn't
going to make the game any better.  The actual instruments are done nicely,
and this is what every piece should sound like on the island.  Music does it's
job, but...it's really really drab.

Gameplay - 8/10

It's Zelda, and it definately feels like the first one, with non-scrolling
screens.  Yet, there's really no innovation, and the only new item you see is
the Roc's Feather, which has already become obsolete by Zelda: The Ocarina of
Time's ability to jump anywhere and autojump.  Fact is, the gameplay is great,
but not revolutinary in any way.  It's Zelda, on your game boy, but that's it.

Overall - 6/10

This is an honest review, and I tried to be completly non-biased while doing
it.  The fact is, you're getting a Zelda game that has little innovation at
all, and feels that way.  Zelda fans will love it, but the normal game player
will most definately feel like the game is average.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

(6.1) Copywrite Notice

This FAQ is copywrite Ultima9999, (c)2000.  Link, Marin, Koholint, and all 
respective characters and concepts are coprwrite Nintendo (c)1993, (c)1998-2000
and are used without permission.  This FAQ can only be used on the following
sites: 

http://icezelda.tripod.com/
http://www.gamefaqs.com/

The preceding URL's are subject to change, and the most current version super-
cedes all other versions that might display outdated information.  If any site
displays it, and the most current version of this FAQ does not state it, then
please tell the author of this document, Ultima9999, about this infringement.
He can be reached at dedmunds@prodigy.net .  In that letter, you must tell 
the author the URL of the offending site, and any email address that was found
or was related.  Action will be taken immediately.

Ultima9999 is an alias, created with the purpose to hide the identity of the 
author.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Jeeze, you're still reading?  C'mon, get a life, man!  Yes, that is ironic.


